yesterday i wanted to prove just how ridiculous organized religion is so in a stunning turn of eventsi became an ordained minister online. thats right all you atheists and agnostics your old friend shoes is now a reverend shoes in the universal life church. i can pick a title for myself and i have narrowed it down to these choices.....
1.monsignor
2.reverend
3.most reverend
4.rabbi
5.universal philosopher of absolute reality
please let me know the one you prefer. i think i'll pick my title based on the vote of the people. just imagine..... a democratic religion. who'd have guessed. i havent decided what to base my ministry on yet but the thought occurred to me that hell could really be different than you might think. what if hell was only mildly annoying. for example: hell has ok restaurants but they only serve rc cola and mr pibb and all the liquor is watered down. or the homes are ok but all you have is flourescent lighting....and it hums......loudly. or everyone gets a computer but all you have is dial up. sure you have a shower but the water pressure is really low. you can get cigarettes but no menthols...and the matches are damp. you get a car but its used and it only has an am radio. now tell me that doesnt make you want to live a sin free life. i think the thoughts of a fiery hell scares some but a hell that runs like the dmv terrifies me. my god is a little different too. hes less fire and brimstone and more like.......ward cleaver. you fuck up and he just gives you a stern reprimand , then a hug a sends you on your way once you promise not to fuck up again. i'm cutting out the whole confession thing too. i'll hear yours if you want but it better be good and hot chicks get spanked if they are very bad. now i will steal the whole communion thing from the catholics but that little wafer will taste suprising like a thin mint cookie....or maybe one of those andies candies mints. i'll keep the wine too but you will be able to get a shot if you desire. this migt be the most fun thing i have ever done. i cant wait to do my first wedding.
its wednesday my children.....pass the collection plate along with the bottle.
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6 comments:
#5 gets my vote! In hell how about the only things on TV are infomercials and C-Span. On radio gangsta rap and Tiny Tim.
see that might be a little too harsh. i want hell to only be inconvenient. like the radio should have a good dj but annoying music. the tv news is only fox.
I also like #5, although Rabbi Shoes has a nice ring.
Mr. S is also an ordained minister from the universal life church. I personally think hell involves being trapped in a car with unhappy children.
#5 for me. Hell would have ESPN, but only show table tennis or only highlights of the Dallas Cowboys.
#5 totally!
I like Reverend Shoes... or Monsignor Pissed! I'll take my thin mint and my shot of bourbon now.
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