Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Bad xmas gifts, chapter 1.........

i got home yesterday to the sight of a harry and david catalog sticking out of my mailbox. i looked through it and i almost saved it for my wife when i realized that a harry and david gift box/basket might be the single worst gift ever given. now dont get me wrong they serve a purpose. those are the gifts you send to clients but if you send one of those to family your a piece of shit. that gift says "i didnt give one ounce of thought to your gift". how many pears can a human eat...even if they are good. hey if you want me to eat pears just send me the $100 you wasted....i'll buy my own pears. trust me on this...i'll get more than one basket of pears for that cash. as for everything else well, how many preservatives are in the cheese that can be sent without refrigeration through the mail? ever eat the sausage? thats the food they give convicts as a prank. oh, and please can you spare more than a thimble full of preserves. two little jars....i use that much on one slice of toast. what really blew me away was hams and turkeys.......for $54 to $90. a ten pound turkey for $70. hell, come to my house and i'll cook you a twenty pounder for $70. so please, for family, at least show a little effort. if you dont give a shit that much just give them the cash....they'll respect you more

along these same lines idiots like donald wildmon and jerry falwell are announcing a war on christmas (or xmas as the case may be). they say retailers arent using christ in xmas like they should. certain places are calling xmas trees holiday trees and that pisses off the religious right. they were going to sue the city of boston for calling their tree a holiday tree...a case they would have lost seeing you can call your tree whatever you desire but boston caved. so, with this in mind, i will refer to all xmas trees as holiday trees and i will use xmas exclusively. this is just a fundraising gimmick by the religious rightanyway.....but screw them.

go on with your day and as always..........happy holidays

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Jessica and nick break up................

between the candied yams and the raging alcoholism at the thankgiving spread this topic came up. someone said they felt bad about the breakup. i countered that they had it coming. anyone whos been married (much less done it twice) knows that the last thing you want is the first couple of years televised. hell, i'm not sure that if you knew what you were getting into you would even want to be there the first couple of years. they sold out their happily ever after for a couple of bucks. maybe if his career wasnt going down like ricky martin at a menudo concert they wouldnt have needed the money. lets be honest, hes only famous in the last couple of years for being married to the stupidest woman on the planet. dont get me wrong if tits were brains shes the female einstein but alas they are not so shes the female........well, jessica simpson. she parlayed those huge sweater puppies into a fine career but that isnt going to last. i have some predictions. shes going to make two more horrible movies...and then its over. producers will realize that her tits dont speak and shes done. she'll get some f'd up surgery and will be posing in playboy to revive her career. the funny part is she'll still be higher on the celebrity food chain than nick. i dont have any predictions for him....he has no future. sure he'll make a cd that will sell 3.2.........thousand copies. he'll make some lousy made for tv movies and then will be on an e hollywood special when his addiction to hookers and blow gets the best of him. he'll blow all his money and be destitute. his only chance at greatness will be when his and jessicas sex tape shows up on the internet. suprisingly it will have been stolen from his house......he didnt put it out. no, not him.....the attention whore. so when you are standing around feeling sorry for nick and jessica remember.....they started it.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Black friday..................

black friday came and went. i gave some thought to it and realized that i could care less. every year its the same thing people getting up at the crack of dawn (unless they are sleeping out there), fighting to get a parking space, waiting in line and fighting over a limited number of this years special toy. who, in their right mind, would subject themselves to that. the only ones worse are the douche bags that shop on thankgiving day. what kind of asshole would shop on thankgiving day. stores shouldnt be allowed to be open on that day. thats a day for people to be home with their families. you know that while the minimum wage crowd is working the owners are home with their families. if people didnt shop on that day the stores wouldnt open. anyway , back to what i started with. black friday is the single most insane day ever. i do most of my shopping online so i dont have to be near the asswipes that like to fight for a bargain. nothing i like more than being blindsided by a 400 pound woman so that she can get the last cabbage patch doll/care bear/xbox or what ever the companies decide they wont make enough of but advertise like mad so your kids are in a frenzy for. please dont say that they dont do that. every year there seems to be one item that everyone wants but there is never enough of. the news will broadcast live at 11:00 pm on thankgiving night showing the line waiting in icy cold to get a shot at that toy. they will interview the store manager who will announce that they only have a limited number of these (please only one per customer) and dont know when the next shipment will be (but assuredly it will be after christmas). if you want to see a news director ejaculate in to his bvd's then let there be a window broken, a fight or better yet a small riot. not only does this go to the top of the news cast but it might make national. hell, i just came. so if you, for some perverse reason, must go out on black friday i hope your head gets stepped on.

great, back to work monday.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Twas the night before............

i have no idea whos going to read this today. alot of people dont work today and i assume that , like me, most people are just fucking off on company time with these blogs. i wont be posting anymore this week (unless something really great happens) so i know you'll miss me. heres a couple of headlines that i found amusing.....

down in central america (colombia actually) a statue of christ appears to be bleeding. of course its being shipped to the church in bogota where the catholic church will investigate. we are all aware of just how scientific the catholic church can be. this is just a case of uneducated people flocking to something they dont understand........ and never will. how ridiculous. if jesus wants to help those people bleed some cash for them. how about getting rid of the corrupt governments that hold these people down. in reality the catholic church likes these people held down. poor and stupid is a recipe for blind faith.

finally our government is going to court with jose padilla. he's the brooklyn born convert to islam that has been held without any rights since 2002 under the patriot act. he was arrested because he was supposedly going to explode a dirty bomb in america. suprisingly the new court papers now dont mention that at all. a whole new set of charges have come up. i know some right wing readers will nail me on this post but the reality is is that this is some bullshit. i'm not saying he isnt guilty...he might be for all i know. i just dont think you should be locked up with no access to a lawyer, your family.....without your unalienable rights that are given to you as a citizen of this country. now you can say that hes a terrorist....but that hasnt been proven. this could happen to you or me if someone powerful decides they dont like us. nothing had to be proven to lock him up for 3 years. our rights are disappearing and we arent even noticing.

headlines here in the burg are that the catholic churches new papers they put out did not include gays. is this news? was anyone suprised? what did catholics think the church was going to do? roll out a red carpet. actually the church is missing a huge money grab here. who has more donation money than a dink couple (dink = double income , no kids). oh and a priest out west who was accused of molesting two young girls jump to his death from a mountain in a national park. i only hope he was pushed. someone did that to my kids and i'd throw him off of something high. my guess is that the priest section of hell is filling up too fast and he wanted to get a good place with a view.

ok kids, enjoy your turkey, pop the top button on your pants and chow down

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Thanksgiving week insanity..............

fron the museum of the hard to believe comes the story of an artist from new york who moved there from argentina. shes a designer and she designed a high top sneaker that was introduced at insite, an art exhibition in san diego. these shoes sell in the boutiques there for $215. the artist though will give them away to migrants for free. it seems like a nice idea BUT theres always the underlying bullshit. these arent ordinary SNEAKERS. these little numbers have a compass and flashlight dangling from one shoelace, a pocket in the tongue for money and a map of the u.s/mexico border printed on the removable insole. a whole new meaning to sneakers. i read a couple of blogs that called for her to be thrown out of this country but try and remember the constitution kids. free speech and all that stuff. i know with dubya in office we have all seemed to forget that we have unalienable rights......but we do and so does this woman who is a citizen and makes it a point to tell everyone that she came here legally. i do think that anyone we catch swimming over with those shoes on should have them confiscated and sent home barefoot (where they would fit in with everyone else in mexico). i actually give this woman credit for selling what might be the ugliest shoes in history for $215. a true entrepreneur........the american dream come true.

soon this short work week will be over........then the relatives show up.

Monday, November 21, 2005

The bandwagon seems to be emptying.......

has dubya's luck run out. seems like alot of republicans are distancing themselves from our president....and with good reason. his numbers are going down faster than richard simmons in boystown and with karl rove trying to cover his own ass there doesnt seem to be anyone to spin this their way. they cant make congressman murtha look like a communist sympathizer. i blame it all on the iraqis. why cant they just enjoy being ruled by us? this attitude didnt work as far back as the crusades and it wont work now. we cant stop them from car bombing. now before you go and say i dont support the troops just kiss my ass. i support the troops but when something is unwinnable well.......... hey the russians got beat in afghanistan, and they played dirty. how do we expect to play clean and win here? we cant. and we are sacrificing our young men and women for what? we arent stopping terrorism. we havent found any weapons of mass destruction. the world isnt any safer. texas oil men said they needed more oil and they were shut out of the mideast. how do we get texas oil's foot in the door there....take over a country. dont tell me that we went in because they were the biggest threat.....they werent. north korea is a huge threat. iran is a huge threat. sudan is a huge threat. china is becoming a huge threat. what do those countries have in common? they arent perched over top of a huge oil reserve. i think the politcians are beginning to see that the tide is turning in this country and support for bush is dropping as it is with alot of republicans. hey iraq, i hope your army is ready soon because ready or not..................

welcome to monday everyone...its a short week.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Just like the girl who married dear old dad.......

we all have those wonderful memories of our mothers as we grew up. hopefully yours is still around, mine isnt. my mom would have been the cool mom, not sylvia johnson cool, but coll none the less. whos sylvia johnson you ask? well sylvia was the cool mom in golden colorado. she never fit in when she was in school but by being the cool mom she said she felt like she belonged to the group. she fit in. how do you get to be cool? you give alcohol and drugs to your kid and his friends. ok, you've attained coll status. nothing that some beer and a doob or a line of blow to make you fit in. hell, it made me semi-cool in high school. sylvia, though, wasnt satisfied. she worked her brain overtime trying to figure out a way to be even cooler...if that were possible. it was possible. having sex with his friends would make her cooler. if one of my friends mom was hot i would have wanted to have sex with her. hell, in high school, i would have had sex with one of her shoes....i wasnt picky. unfortunately the authorities didnt think sylvia was that cool. maybe she should have let them do a line of blow off her her shoulder while having sex with them but hindsight is 20/20. she pleaded guilty to two misdemeanor counts of sexual assault and nine felony counts of contributing to the delinquency of a minor. bad break sylvia, maybe you'll be the cool mom in prison because sylvia was sentenced to 30 years in prison. she'll be 71 when she gets out so chances are she can be the cool grandma then.

in a related story a 37 year old woman was arrested in georgia. what was she arrested for shoes? i'll ask, you werent going to. well she was arrested one day after she married one of her sons 15 year old friends. they were married in the driveway of a retired judge. she also announced that shes pregnant with his child. now the reason i brought this up is not just the humor here but the fact that even though i'm a reverand in the universal life church of modesto california i cant do weddings here. why? am i less responsible than this retired judge. what is he thinking? does he really think this was a good idea. i will go on record now and tell you that i wouldnt have done that.

well, good luck to the cool moms...everyone else, enjoy your weekend.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Thursday and i got nothin.............

i really have no idea what to write about today. actually thats refreshing to here. most blogs should say that daily. alot of the ones i find by accident are just that........acccidents. if i run into one more blog of shitty poetry or some teenage chick explaining how her life is devastated since her parents made her curfew 11pm my head will explode but hey, thats the blog it or leave it. i turned on the tv this morning and waited to here what the top story was. guess what it was. the failed war iraq? no. bush lying on his far east trip? no. its which quarterback will start for the steelers this weekend. the tv station actually did a phone in poll and then they brought in a psychiatrist to explain the vote. we just had elections here and all kind of good shit happened but that doesnt even make the news. this town does love it team so let me talk about them. the steelers play the ravens this week. baltimore sucks. their just phoning it in now. theres no fight left in this team anymore. they dont even have a quarterback. sure they have kyle boller but can he really be considered a quarterback. he might be the worst first round pick ever. if not, hes really close then. their defense has finally blew out. you cant expect those guys to carry the team for 16 games. dont think i'm crying for the baltimorons. what has happened to them couldnt happen to a more worthy team. brian billick (self proclaimed genius) is staking his career on boller. bad move. the gnius label should be gone ray lewis (the murderer) is the single most overrated player in nfl history. every tackle is 7 yards downfield and they rave about how great he is. so with all that in mind the steelers will beat them this week and go on to win the afc north.

what a lame post this was....enjoy your thursday

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Their eyes and ears were then opened........

i think the voters of pennsylvania might have finally heard above the roar of corporate payouts and backdoor dealings. the pennsylvania legislator repealed their pay raises that were voted in in an early morning end around of the citizenry. the voters here voted out a state supreme court judge for the first time ever. good for the vote out the rest of the schmucks. i think it just shows how screwed up politics is. who else in the world gets to vote for their own raise. shouldnt they have to come to us and ask for one. on a per citizen basis pennsylvania has more legislators than any other state. there was one guy who didnt vote to repeal his raise. his raise was going to equal 30K per year. A 30K DOLLAR RAISE. who of us gets a raise like that? every raise any politician gets should be voted on by the citizens he represents. i think that would be fair. you work hard, show up for votes, dont go running off for every photo-op (see rick santorum) and you get a raise. not a 14 to 25 percent raise like they voted themselves but one like we would get. you dont like that idea ,then get out of politics. i know in the private sector you probably wont be able to line your pockets with kickbacks and you wont be able to give cusshy jobs to all your friends and family but thats the price you pay to not have us decide your raise. anyone else think this is fair? how do wew go about getting this on the ballot. politics was never meant to be a career. george washington was a farmer and when he was done with the presidency he went back to farming. the people wanted him to stay on longer but he said that he had served his time and someone else needed to step up. if we had term limits maybe , just maybe, a politician couldnt get so entrenched in one place. i think its time we vote out all the good old boys and allow them to get on with their lifes work.

hump day! celebrate however you feel is appropriate.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Speaking in tongues...........

the town of dover pennsylvania voted out almost the entire school board because they wanted intelligent design taught in science class. as you may know i find this to be a wonderful thing. they dont need to teach intelligent design in dover because the voters there already had a pretty intelligent design. whos going to speak for the ousted school board members though? whos going to be their voice? well, up steps the insane reverand pat robertson. pat has said that something bad is probably going to happen there and they shouldnt turn to god because they voted him out of their city. hes not saying bad things WILL happen but if they do.........well, they had it comin. first off, pat's tight with god, why CANT he guarantee something bad will happen. moses did. i guess he can only do it when its a slam dunk like when he said a hurricane will hit florida because they let gays into disneyland. a hurricane? hitting florida during hurricane season? way to go out on a limb pat but you know donations to that ridiculous 700 club went up then. why dont you call down a plague of snow for this winter in dover. now, as you might know, i am a reverand in the universal life church of modesto california and i know some things. first god is thrilled that intelligent design got voted down. hes kind of pissed off that he spent millions of years working on evolution....getting it just right and then people not recognizing what genius went into that. in a quote god said "any lesser god could just make a planet and put people on it, i made a platypus". god didnt seem all that vindictive though. when asked about gays in disneyworld he said "oh, for my sake, let them have a week. whos it hurting? not me". god went on to say that we shouldnt blame him for all the crazy weather lately. he said that mother natures friend came to visit and then he winked at me and said "if you get my drift". i did. i still want to thank pat robertson because without him i wouldnt have such good material for this blog. he completes me.

happy tuesday everyone. winters about to strike the burg and i need to get ready.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Going too far..............

ok, i'm reading through the paper this morning and i glance across the opinion page. i'm not always a huge fan of the opinion page because whos opinion is more important than mine. all the paper should print are columns of my opinions. the world would straighten up real quick. regardless of that one letter caught my eye. someone named terry (man/woman?) was bitching about things that bother him/her. see we are slowly ending smoking in public places here in the burg. i'm an ex-smoker but i am totally against this policy. if you dont like smoking in the bar then find a bar that is non-smoking. dont screw up everyone elses good times because you have sensitive lungs. now terry wants to go a step farther. he/she thinks that alcohol should be banned too. people get drunk and then drive endangering him/her. actually they endanger all of us but thats not everyones problem. there are many more responsible drinkers in the world but terry thinks we all should suffer because of the few without any control. terry also thinks that perfume/aftershave should be banned too. some people are alergic. screw them ....stay home. the only reason i sit with some people is because they smell good. why should the many suffer because of the few. heres my view of terry. lets say its a man. hes mid 40's, lives at home with the parents, has never had a girlfriend much less sex, is pissed off at everything because of the supposed slights that have held him back, terry cant control his raging alcoholism and wants everyone to stop because of it, his hatred of perfume goes back to all the women who have turned him down. now lets say terry is a woman. shes early 40's, lives alone, bitter with men and alcohol and perfume because the few times shes had sex was in the back seat of her car after drinking heavily in a bar.....and the guy never talked to her again. terry's overweight and has no need for perfume because the only time a guy would look at her is if hes drunk off his ass (hence the hatred for alcohol). ok its over the top but i'll bet i'm not too far off. arent enough of our rights going away. please let us smell good and drink a little. its really only hurting terry.

Friday, November 11, 2005

A bad way to go........

sometimes i ponder my ultimate demise. i wonder how i'm going to croak and then something comes along to make you realize how you DONT want to go out. steve courson was a pittsburgh steeler. he had two super bowl rings. he admitted to taking steroids and how it had affected his heart but yesterday things got really bad for steve. while cutting down trees on his property, ALONE, he got crushed by a tree while trying to save his dog. at first i felt bad but as time went on i couldnt help but laugh. what a horrible way to go. that is no way for a guy with two super bowl rings to go. i sure wouldnt like to go that way BUT if i did i give permission to anyone and everyone to stand by the casket and laugh. ok, i give permission to laugh at my funeral to everyone regardless of how i go. i also told my wife that she could put funny things on my tombstone like "i thought he was quicker" or "at least the dog was ok" or "the trees got even". look, if that was me the dogs being buried today..not me. i dont like dogs enough to risk my life even a little. dog drowning in a, we can get another. dog runs out in front of a, hes going to buy us another. dog doesnt move while the trewe is, i thought he was quicker. wow, thats really a multi-purpose statement isnt it. steve courson was a good guy. he went to schools and preached to kids about the problems you have down the road with steroids. he never blamed anyone else for his taking them and he never ratted out his teammates that might have taken them too but didnt want to come out. he was a stand up guy and the world is lesser without him.....but its still funny.

enjoy your weekend everyone

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Evolution, win some-lose some..........

election day has come and gone. here in the burg we got more of the same ol shit. our mayor is one of the good ol boys and this city will just continue to sink like a stone. pittsburgh is incredibly democrat. people vote democrat here no matter what. if the dems put hitler on the ballot there would be buttons that said "what about all the good things hitler did?". its a as bad as the jackasses that vote republican without thinking. one thing caught my eye though. evolution. it won here in central pennsylvania but took an asswhipping in kansas. in the middle of pa a school board was trying to get "intelligent design" on the curriculum. "intelligent design" is another way of saying creationism. " intelligent design" is neither intelligent or a design. its reverse darwinism. people who believe it are de-evolving. eight of the nine school board members were voted out yesterday. maybe the folks in pennsyltucky (the area between philadelphia and pittsburgh) arent so stupid. on the other hand people in kansas voted for the teaching of creationism even though the nea was against it, even though the national academy of science was against went through. i wonder where kansas ranks among the fifty states on the stupidity scale? is it any wonder that the united states is falling behind the rest of the world in science. i dont care if they teach creationism but it shouldnt be taught in science class. it should be taught in the same class that greek mythology is taught. you see science class is for shit thats real. i have seen dinosaur bones, i havent seen gods bones. there is proof that dinosaurs existed, the only proof that god existed was a book of fiction..namely the bible. so in conclusion it was a dark day for kansas but a good day for pennsylvania. scientology doesnt look that crazy after all.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

What are we going to do about the french.......

apparently the french are turning on one another. i guessing the french will surrender in about a week BUT considering they are fighting other french people you cant underestimate the other side in this one.....they may surrender first. the only sure is that someone french will surrender. i'm putting my money on the french. whats the big deal here...the immigrant french people feel they are being mistreated by the regular french people? so what. they've been treating american tourists shitty for years and unlike you unemployed immigrant losers we are actually spending money there. i'm sure sooner or later we will be called in to bail out the french government once again. on the other hand these immigrants are mainly muslims from northern africa and the mid east. if they dont like france they are free to go back whence they came. seems it all started because two young muslim lads were running from the police and got electrocuted. lesson here: dont run from the police. if you decide to run from the police you are less like two muslim lads and more like two muslim criminals. now for the part where i become much as we would hope the world wouldnt have things like prejudice and racial profiling please forgive people for being a little antsy around muslims. their reputation has shall we put it.....tarnished as of late. in america i feel like if you are coming to live here then assimilate. at least try. i dont think we need to put up duplicate street signs in spanish or whatever language was spoken in the country you escaped from. so , to sum it up, in america, try to be a little more american and when in france try to be cheese eating surrender monkeys.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

For christs sake, it was lesbian cheerleaders.........

ok ladies, this is shoes "lesson number one on men". yesterday i posted a story about two carolina panther cheerleaders that got in a fight in a bar because they were having sex in a bathroom stall and took too long. the first comment i get is from ccw and she states that this story doesnt excite her. ok i respect that all women are not just waiting to have a lesbian expirence while i watch but ...throw me a bone here. just act like you are. we couldnt be more simple creatures. lesbian cheerleaders excite us. if we think you like it too it excites us more. deep down inside we know you arent going out to bring home two cheerleaders for us...but a boy can dream .....cant he? you dont have to act on it....just act like you would. we do that when we go shopping with you guys. we act like we want to see you try on 800 dresses and trapise out of the dressing room to show us.....but we dont and i dont think your fooled by our act either. these were lesbian cheerleaders for christs sake. this is like if a truckload of designer dresses would flip in front of your house, scattering dresses all over your lawn. imagine the orgasm you would have. its like that for us. ladies, please pretend this story excites you. your man will thank you over and over. forget the fact that the bathroom stall in a bar is like a giant dna expirement and there rolling in it. we dont care and you shouldnt either. thats lesson number one ladies. i'll roll out more lessons as i feel they are needed.

Monday, November 07, 2005

in a story that both shocks and excites me two carolina panther cheerleaders were arrested in tampa on early sunday morning. they had a little run in at a bar with another woman. a fight ensued, punches were thrown and then the police showed up. the reason for the fight is whats so hot. witnesses say that angela keathley and renee thomas were engaged in some kind of sexual activity inside a bathroom stall at banana joe's around 2:20am. naturally the line backed up and another woman complained. untimately thomas punched the woman in the face. should they be allowed to cheer again.....hell yeah! now i want to tune into the game just to see them. that is so completely hot its scary. to see these two you can go to and see these tow hot chicks. its better than hearing about a linebacker beating up his prgnant wife after a loss isnt it?

in newark new jersey a roman catholic high school has ordered its students to remove their blogs under threat of suspension. the diocese says its because of the threat of cyberpredators. why are they worried? they're teaching the good christian kids to saty away from that kind of thing , right? the reality is they dont want any free thinkers in that group. i think all the kids should start blogs immediately. this is my problem with organized religion. they want to control what you do in your outside life. we all laugh at katie holmes because the scientologists are taking over her life......whats so different here? nothing. god forbid a kid blog about a priest taking advantage of a underaged youth.

well kids enjoy your monday. i'm going to look at cheerleaders.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Almost the weekend............

home depot in louisville is in a bit of a pickle. seems a guy was very distraught and screaming for help. even with that the employees and management thought he was only joking.........but he wasnt. his ass was superglued to a toilet seat. his lawsuit points out the panic he was in as "they just left me to rot". paramedics were ultimately called in and unbolted the toilet seat AND as they wheeling a " frightened and humiliated" mr dougherty out of the store he passed out. seems to be alot of superglueing body parts to things lately.

oscar goodman , the mayor of las vegas, is so pissed off at grafitti artists that he has said they should have their thumbs cut off. he compared it to the beheadings in france in the middle ages. he also suggested that whippings and canings should be brought back. oscar might have a little muslim in him. lets be honest here, if you want to stop them cut off their index fingers. you know, the ones they hold down the sprayer on the paint can with. that would stop them. lets see them spray paint some shit without their index fingers and those little basstards can just say goodbye to all the crazy pointing they do. nice job oscar, the religious right will run you for president.

some girls are starting a "girlcott" of abercrombie and fitch because some of their shirts have slogans that are offensive. the shirts have sayings like "who needs brains when you have these" and "i had a nightmare i was a brunette". ok, so it pisses you off. get over it. if you dont like it just dont buy it. i cant stand guys wearing jeans that drag on the ground and show half their ass but i dont boycott the stores that sell them......i just laugh at the assholes wearing them. ladies you should try that approach. i actually think those shirts are kinda funny.

have a good weekend everyone. hope your team wins sunday

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Back to the future..........

whats with bush now listening to scientists when refering to the bird flu. isnt he afraid that the religious right will be pissed. did god tell him to consult the scientists. maybe after all the hurricanes he quit listening to god. ok, thats crazy thoughts, i know but is his defense its easier to spell god than science. he remembers it by thinking of dog and then reversing it. maybe if the scientists can save the day we can get back to teaching science and not "intelligent design". maybe we can stop the war on science.

gail otoole and ken slaby used to date. when they broke up ken found another girl quickly......gail didnt. while ken was taking a nap at gails house one day (can you say booty call) gail put her plan into action. the plan she had been thinking about ever since the breakup. gail superglued kens penis to his stomach then took his clothes and car keys and threw him out. ken walked a mile to a convenience store, found a cop that drove him to a hospital and is now in court with a civil suit against gail. the moral of the story.........dont fall asleep at an ex girlfriends house. woman can really be a vindictive group.

in texas evangelina sanchez gonzalez seems to use toll booths the last 20 months shes had the opoortunity to go through them over 2900 times. the tolls would come to a total of approximately 1800 dollars. but alas eva decided to just run them sometimes. why pay the toll. maybe she was short on change that day. maybe she was in a hurry. she must have been because she ran the toll booths over 2900 times. her fines are 42 times what the tolls would have been. eva now owes the state of texas 76k. aye carumba.

in japan a 16 year old girl is under arrest for slowly poisoning her mother. she got caught by posting it on her blog. apparently not all japanese children are ahead of our kids. this isnt a rocket scientist here. i only tell you this because as a reader of this blog i am slowly poisoning your minds. i wont write about it again for fear that i will get caught and then some dumbass (such as myself) will write about me like i am writing about the stupid 16 year old japanese girl.

get to work now. you've wasted enough time already.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Halloween funnies............

in frederica delaware a woman hanged herself. the 42 year old woman used rope to hang herself along a fairly busy street across from some moderately priced homes. she hung herself about 15 feet off of the ground so she was clearly visible to passing cars and the homes. ok, so your asking "whats the funny part?". well the funny part is that she hung there for hours because everyone thought it was a holiday prank or a halloween decoration. what a lousy way to shuffle off to the afterlife. this REALLY wasnt her day. they should have left her up till after know how expensive those decorations can be.

in the u.k. a man who was living with a woman and her daughter set up the childs room to scare her into having sex with him. seems he set her room up with fishing line to look like they had a poltergeist and the only way should could protect her family was to have sex with him. it really picked up after her mom went into the hospital. this guy had the room rigged with holes in the wall so he could move furniture while she was in there and fishing line to work the keyboard on her piano. actually the guy seems kind of handy and its obvious that the girl is no rockety scientist. hey wrote stuff with lip gloss on her mirror and then pretended that he couldnt see it. my 8 year old wouldnt fall for that.

in rome italy some boys were trick or treating and setting off firecrackers. they scared a 70 year old man and then decided to wait for the candy. sure he answered the door and then shot them. way to scare people guys. nice job. maybe you ought to rethink the mask thing next year. or the firecracker thing. or the sticking around for candy after you terrified an old person thing. any of those will work.

good times...good times. enjoy your day kids

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Halloween memories...........

halloween is my favorite holiday. i know, people like me are usually on the outer fringes of normal society, but its true so why try to hide it. as a child this holiday was a series of highs and lows. from the easy going fun of charlie brown and the great pumpkin to the fact that there might actually be ghosts and one might be under my bed or waiting for me on halloween night. it was always darker on halloween night when we were going door to door. there was always the talk of what we were going to dress up as and then when you saw everyones costumes it was great. we went to trick otr treating as a pack (without parents) and we were out for hours. i mean like five hours. we started at say 6 oclock and didnt end until after 11. if you had a light on we showed up. there were no amount of steps or a mountain too high for us to climb. we mapped out our route so that we could hit the maximum amount of homes in the allotted time and having our homes as the hub so that we could dump our pillow cases as they got full. there were years when we would get 6 or 8 pillow cases full of candy in a night. we cut through allies and yards that wouldnt have bothered us any other night of the year but that night it was darker and the shadows looked scarier. as we got older the fun turned to pranks. seeing that the area that i grew up in in pittsburgh was more akin to mayberry we didnt light cars on fire or any of the shit you heard about in detroit. we were more of the toilet paper and egg throwing crowd. the mini-mart near where we lived wouldnt sell eggs to minors the week before halloween without a note from your parents which became a lucrative business for the one guys sister who could write well and had adult looking handwriting. that led to the letter...

dear stop n go employee,

please allow (whoever) to purchase these eggs with the money i have given him. i need these to make some halloween treats for him and his friends.

thank you,
(mr/mrs so and so)

i think you get the picture. whatever they thought my mother was making with 12 dozen eggs i'll never know but it worked. the police kept an eye on us too but considering that they had all the ability of barney fife well we didnt worry a whole lot about them. stealing pumpkins was another thing all together. my buddies and i held the "7 man one week pumpkin stealing record". let me preface this part with the facts that pumpkins cost less then and people didnt do the intricate designs they do now. i have scared all the kids in my neighborhood so bad that they wont even think of stealing my pumpkins now. i think we stole something like 180 pumpkins that week.

as i get ready to take my two children (and six of their friends) out for trick or treating i realize it isnt the same. all the kids have parents with them, its now ends at 7:30, alot of kids dont even dress. i refuse to give candy to older kids who wont dress up. fuck them. no effort no candy. my street has one side where all they houses are on the level and the other side (the high side) where there are steps. we have eight steps and some kids wont come up them because ....well....they are lazy little fucks. its a shame these kids cant expirence the fun and the scared feelings and the freedom we felt on that one night.

well i've rambled on now too long. i sound like grampa on the simpsons. enjoy your day everyone.