Thursday, August 30, 2007


An iron-lunged pensioner has celebrated her 100th birthday by lighting up her 170,000th cigerette from a candle on her birthday cake.
Winnie Langley started smoking only days after the First World War broke out in June 1914 when she was just seven-years-old - and has got through five a day ever since.
She has no intention of quitting, even after the nationwide ban forced tobacco-lovers outside.
Speaking at her 100th birthday party Winnie said: "I have smoked ever since infant school and I have never thought about quitting.
"There were not all the the health warnings like there are today when I started. It was the done thing."
Winnie, from Croydon, South London, claims tobacco has never made her ill.
She has outlived a husband, Robert, and son, Donald, who died two years ago aged 72.
The former launderette worker said she started the habit in 1914 - just weeks after the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand in Sarajevo on June 28 - which sparked the First World War.
The 100-year-old, who is awaiting her telegram from the Queen today, said smoking helped calm her nerves during the two World Wars.
She said: "A lot of people smoked during the war. It helped steady the nerves."
Despite the numerous health warnings, Mrs Langley insists she's never suffered because of the habit as she "has never inhaled".
What a proud moment for her and her family...if theres anyone left. they probably all died from second hand smoke. did anyone tell her the wars are over...she can stop now. i can just asee her standing outside the old folks home, in the rain and cold, smoking up a storm. oh well, good for her. i hate those warnings anyway.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Truer words were never written............

This is mistakenly attributed to Bill Gates, as a Speech he supposedly gave at Mt. Whitney High School in Visalia, California.
It is actually from the book "Dumbing Down our Kids" by Charles J. Sykes, 1995, and is directed at high school and college graduates.
Rule 1:Life is not fair - get used to it

Rule 2:The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself

Rule 3:You will NOT make $40,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both

Rule 4:If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss

Rule 5:Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping - they called it opportunity

Rule 6:If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them

Rule 7:Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room

Rule 8:Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life

Rule 9:Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time!

Rule 10:Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs

Rule 11:Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

The funniest? midgets and monkeys.........

A dwarf performer at the Edinburgh fringe festival had to be rushed to hospital after his penis got stuck to a vacuum cleaner during an act that went horribly awry.
Daniel Blackner, or Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf, was due to perform at the Circus of Horrors at the festival known for its oddball, offbeat performances.
The main part of his act was for him to appear on stage with a vacuum cleaner attached to his member with a special apparatus.
The attachment broke before the performance and Blackner tried to fix it using extra-strong glue, but unfortunately only let it dry for 20 seconds instead of the 20 minutes required.
He then joined it directly to his organ. The end result? A solid attachment, laughter, mortification and ... hospitalisation.
"It was the most embarrassing moment of my life when I got wheeled into a packed A&E with a vacuum attached to me," Blackner said.
"I just wished the ground could swallow me up. Luckily, they saw me quickly so the embarrassment was short-lived."

i am a firm believer that the only thing funnier than a group of monkeys is midgets and/or dwarves (for the sake of this post we will refer to them all as midgets). is there any movie you can think of that wouldnt be funnier if it had midgets. imagine goodfellows ...done with midgets. ok, you say pesci was close....and he is....but i'm talking about real , honest to goodness, yellow brick road walking midgets. now if you can get a movie with midgets and monkeys then you have comedy gold.

now a midget getting a vacuum cleaner glued to his johnson might be the story of the year. understand, this is his whole act. i think i'd like to see that. this also proves that karma is an evil bitch. poor guy is already a midget and then this happens. i'll bet he does want the earth to swallow him upand based on his size it wouldnt be much of a gulp.

good luck to all the little people out there. at least this guy had a job.........

Monday, August 27, 2007

you gotta love china.......

Aug. 20-27, 2007 issue - In one of history's more absurd acts of totalitarianism, China has banned Buddhist monks in Tibet from reincarnating without government permission. According to a statement issued by the State Administration for Religious Affairs, the law, which goes into effect next month and strictly stipulates the procedures by which one is to reincarnate, is "an important move to institutionalize management of reincarnation." But beyond the irony lies China's true motive: to cut off the influence of the Dalai Lama, Tibet's exiled spiritual and political leader, and to quell the region's Buddhist religious establishment more than 50 years after China invaded the small Himalayan country. By barring any Buddhist monk living outside China from seeking reincarnation, the law effectively gives Chinese authorities the power to choose the next Dalai Lama, whose soul, by tradition, is reborn as a new human to continue the work of relieving suffering.

At 72, the Dalai Lama, who has lived in India since 1959, is beginning to plan his succession, saying that he refuses to be reborn in Tibet so long as it's under Chinese control. Assuming he's able to master the feat of controlling his rebirth, as Dalai Lamas supposedly have for the last 600 years, the situation is shaping up in which there could be two Dalai Lamas: one picked by the Chinese government, the other by Buddhist monks. "It will be a very hot issue," says Paul Harrison, a Buddhism scholar at Stanford. "The Dalai Lama has been the prime symbol of unity and national identity in Tibet, and so it's quite likely the battle for his incarnation will be a lot more important than the others."

god, those chinese are great. when they arent poisioning us they are setting up ridiculous laws against their perceived enemies. thats right , you need permission to reincarnate. you also need permission to spontaneously combust, get struck by lightning and to be beamed up to the mothership.

the way they treat their people its a good thing they dont have oil or we would be at war with them next.........

Friday, August 24, 2007

Mike vick follow-up..........

That's what Stephon Marbury said. The New York Knicks player came to the defense of Michael Vick and compared dogfighting to hunting.

He said, "I think, you know, we don't say anything about people who shoot deer or shoot other animals. You know, from what I hear, dogfighting is a sport. It's just behind closed doors.''

Dogfighting is not like hunting at all. In dogfighting these dogs torture each other and basically die a slow death! Hunters don't go out there and slowly torture a damn deer and then lock it up in a cage and watch it bleed to death. Totally different.

Stephon isn't the only person coming to Michael's defense. The NAACP held a press conference urging the NFL to let Michael play.

"As a society, we should aid in his rehabilitation and welcome a new Michael Vick back into the community without a permanent loss of his career in football," said R.L. White, president of the group's Atlanta chapter. "We further ask the NFL, Falcons, and the sponsors not to permanently ban Mr. Vick from his ability to bring hours of enjoyment to fans all over this country."

Hours of enjoyment?! Who the hell can enjoy that dude knowing that he killed 8 lil' pooches? Where's Cujo when you need him?

The next day he followed up on his statement..........

Marbury expanded on those comments in the statement.
"There is no list for which animals should be killed and which shouldn't. I love animals and none of them should be harmed However, we don't react the same when other animals are being killed for sport or the sake of human pleasure."

hunting is one fighting is quite another. he only followed up his comments because he caught some shit for the stupid comment he made in the first place. his agent should just tell him to shut up. he is right though we dont react the same when other animals are being killed for sport or the sake of human pleasure." theres a huge difference when someone is hunting with a gun compared to someone who hangs a dog or throws them down on the ground to break their backs or drowns them. if stephon doesnt get that hen hes just as big an animal as mike is.

you just know that stephon enjoys a good dog fight..............

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Only in, i mean waco..........

Bill Nye, the harmless children's edu-tainer known as "The Science Guy," managed to offend a select group of adults in Waco, Texas at a presentation, when he suggested that the moon does not emit light, but instead reflects the light of the sun.

As even most elementary-school graduates know, the moon reflects the light of the sun but produces no light of its own.But don't tell that to the good people of Waco, who were "visibly angered by what some perceived as irreverence," according to the Waco Tribune.Nye was in town to participate in McLennan Community College's Distinguished Lecture Series. He gave two lectures on such unfunny and adult topics as global warming, Mars exploration, and energy consumption.But nothing got people as riled as when he brought up Genesis 1:16, which reads: "God made two great lights -- the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars."The lesser light, he pointed out, is not a light at all, but only a reflector.At this point, several people in the audience stormed out in fury. One woman yelled "We believe in God!" and left with three children, thus ensuring that people across America would read about the incident and conclude that Waco is as nutty as they'd always suspected.
This story originally appeared in the Waco Tribune, but the newspaper has mysteriously pulled its story from the online version, presumably to avoid further embarassment.
try to forget (though that may be hard to do) that our current president is from texas..........

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

I love this

10 Attributes of Really Lazy People

1. Inability to put forth the effort required to complete any task.

nuff said..............

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

What has organized religion taught us..........

Introduces its victims to the wonderful world of ritualized mass hypnosis.

Makes its followers believe that they live in a cartoon universe, populated by angels, demons, ghosts and ghoulies. A world where the all-powerful SuperAlphaDaddy runs the whole show, and can make people from dirt, or crap out a skyscraper if It felt like it. Meanwhile, some demon with a red butt, horns and hooves prances around and acts like a total jerk, pissing on people everywhere.

Teaches people to believe that their inner dialogue is some freaky spirit-world communication.

Teaches people to believe that anything good in their lives comes from outside themselves, from SuperAlphaDaddy to be precise, and anything bad comes from irredeemable flaws in their own character.

Teaches people to believe that those who do not share their beliefs are evil, possessed by demons, necessarily corrupt, or otherwise non-human.

Teaches people to believe they are defective, and that they should live in shame because they are human.

Teaches people to believe that they should mind each other’s business and be judgmental, all the while pretending to teach the opposite in one of the most insidious examples of Orwellian doublespeak.

Teaches people not to take responsibility for their actions (God told me to/The Devil made me do it).

Teaches people to believe that they are victims of a vast power struggle wherein they are puny and weak.

Teaches people to automatically defer to Authority Figures, and in some cases treat fanatical and morally bankrupt CONTROL FREAKS as God-by-proxy.

Teaches people to believe that mankind is not able to formulate cogent morality and law for itself without help from the god of a Bronze Age nomadic culture.

Teaches people to believe that prayer works, and that they can get what they want simply by groveling hard enough.

Teaches people not to question authority, and to feel shame for any deviation from the group mentality.

Tells people what to think, and how they’re supposed to feel about the attitudes and events surrounding them.Insists that lies, fabrications, make-believe, contradictions, and ignorant perspectives be believed as absolute truth without proof, and destroys the victim’s ability to discriminate between reality and bullshit by making it a crime to doubt and question.

Uses the Herd Mentality to systematically destroy any signs of opposition, self-assurance, critical thinking or questioning by means of ridicule and ostracism.Exists through the continued creation of fear, uncertainty, and self-doubt.

Reiterates and drones out this fantasy endlessly to legitimize this social insanity by means of mass hypnotic reinforcement.

Sometimes creates pedophiles, murderers, and suicide vicitms.

is there anything i need to say here.........

Monday, August 20, 2007

Freedom of what?

hey everyone, meet Kia Vaughn . what? you say you dont who she is? hell, i'll bet you didnt even know that it was a woman. well dont say you dont her too loud because you might fuck up her lawsuit. she says thatsexist and racist comments damaged her reputation. she believes that a couple of guys are legally responsible for damage done to her character and reputation. Vaughn was humiliated, embarrassed and publicly mocked for the comments, the lawsuit claims. Her attorney, Richard Ancowitz, said: "The full effect of the damage remains to be seen." now dont tell me you still dont know who she is. cmon with something this damaging her name should be on everyones mind.

still dont know? shes one of the rutgers female basketball players who imus refered to as "nappy headed ho's". oh, you say you had already forgotten that. ok, just dont say it too loud (again, we dont want to ruin her case). "This is about Kia Vaughn's good name," Ancowitz said. "She would do anything to return to her life as a student and respected basketball player - a more simple life before Imus opened his mouth on April 4." well kia, heres some advice. return to your life. nobody gives a damn about what you were called. nobody remembers you. if you wanted to go back to your old life then you shouldnt have went on to oprah. did it ever occur to kia that filing a big lawsuit and having her lawyer speak out in the press might put her name out to people who didnt know who she was and affect her more than anything imus said that day. if you didnt want the limelight then you should have told al sharpton to let it go but no, its easier to go after him now that he might get a rather large payout from cbs.

what have we learned today. we learned that kia might actually like the spotlight. kia realizes that a big payout from imus beats the shit out of playing in the wnba. maybe we've learned that imus , though a big racist asshole, should be protected by freedom of speech.

or maybe we've learned nothing. it remains to be seen..........

Friday, August 17, 2007

Hes going to need the tape to hold his skull together.......

ASHLAND, Ky. (AP) - A man accused of being the "Duct Tape Bandit" has gotten into a sticky situation. The man, who had his head wrapped in duct tape to conceal his identity, walked into a liquor store on Friday, Ashland police said.
Shamrock Liquors store manager Bill Steele had some duct tape of his own, but his was wrapped around a wooden club that sent the robber fleeing, according to a report by WSAZ-TV in Huntington, W.Va.
Store employee Craig Miller said he chased the man to the parking lot, tackled him and held him in a choke hold until police arrived. A customer also helped, police said.
Kasey G. Kazee, 24, of Ashland, was charged with first-degree robbery, according to Ashland Police Sgt. Mark McDowell.
Kazee, in an interview with the TV station, denied he was the bandit who robbed the store of two rolls of change. He pleaded not guilty Monday and bond was set at $250,000.

how do you add to this story? this is the kind of funny that just seems to write itself. oh how i wish it was i who was wacking this big taped head. i just figure hes a pinata and there must be goodies in there. how much fun would it have been to rip the tape off of his head? is this the kind of story that you just dont tell the other convicts. i think i'd rather tell them i'm a molester than own up to this ridiculous story.

anyway, good for the owner and the store employee who beat him and then held him for the cops. frankly it would have been better if the owner just yanked out a gun and blew him away. this is a guy we dont need polluting the gene pool anyway.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

An e-mail i got.......

It is time to change from REDNECK humor to TRUE AMERICAN Humor! Only it isn't seen as HUMOR, but the correct way to LIVE YOUR LIFE! If you feel the same, pass this on to your True American friends. Y'all know who they are...

1.You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God."

2.You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

3.You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival."

4.You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You bow your head when someone prays.

5.You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem

6.You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have.

7.You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You've never burned an American flag.

8.You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.

9. You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend.

10.You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

if you got this email from me, it is because I believe that you, like me, have just enough TRUE AMERICAN in you to have the same beliefs as those talked about in this email. God Bless the U S A ! Amen AND PLEASE DO NOT FORGET TO SING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM IN ENGLISH.

this email was sent to me by a dear friend. this sums up america today. actually number 10 trumps numbers 1 through 7. as long as people fall for all the bullshit we are being spoon fed from the media then america will never change. this isnt a case of republican and democrat its a case of right and wrong. do the right thing regardless of what your party tells you to do. question everything your leaders do or say. its the only way to keep them honest. one of your freedoms in this country allows you to question your leaders. coutries like iraq and iran dont allow that and if we stop people from doing it we are not better than they are.....regardless of what "true americans" tell you. when you fall for the "true american" bullshit then your rights will disappear. the patriot act isnt making us any safer...and its hardly patriotic. we need to call all politicians on the carpet for lies regardless if its about a blowjob or wmd's or mission accomplished.

They that can give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety. - Ben Franklin, 1755, to the Pennsylvania State Legislature

its as true today as it was in 1755. those founding fathers were some smart mfer's for being farmers.

this is shoes (a true american).....over and out......

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

I'm back......

because you need me. i was going to quit blogging but so many outrageous things are happening and you need me to sort it out for you. lets start with a fave of mine....michael vick. mike seems to be in a bit of a jam. seems that , maybe, mike was a player in dog fighting. seems , maybe, that some dog fighting was going down on some property he owns. seems , maybe, that mike , either himself or through "his people" , was running some dogs over interstate lines to fight. seems as though ,maybe, mike could be fucked.

lets go over some of the talking points of this case. i'm going to venture that you've heard the expression " dont make a federal case out of this". well i'm venturing mike lawyers have said this vain. this is a federal case. the feds really check into this stuff and, unlike o.j. , the feds wont open a case unless they are pretty sure they can convict. that isnt good for mike. his buddies , who may or may not be his partners in this endeavor, have rolled on him. they've turned states evidence and , again, this isnt good for mike (havent these guys ever seen goodfellows). mikes lawyers are, reportedly, split on mike pleading guilty or going to trial, again, not good for mike. the nfl seems to be washing their hands of one of their stars having suspended him from training camp. this , one might say, is not good for mike. you starting to see a trend here.

ok, i think we can all agree that this isnt mikes year. dog fighting seems to be on a downswing due to the fact that its so fucking barbaric that even a neanderthal like myself cant comprehend its sporting value and how they , maybe, killed these dogs when they lost is insane on a criminal level. i tend to think that people go overboard on alot of issues but in this case its perfectly understandable. also, he might have picked a bad time ,workwise, to get in trouble. the nfl has a long history of turning a blind eye to criminal behavior by its players. moreso when they are stars but that , alas, was the past. the new nfl wants the players to , if they cant be law abiding citizens, at least not get caught. there is a very real possibility that no matter what happens to mike he will be suspended for the year which is less of a concern because knowledgable people seem to think that its not a case of if mike will serve time but how much time he will serve. as most of us know , in prison, handling the ball takes on a whole new meaning.

as for people that are saying that mike has been treated unfairly because hes black...well, whos to say. a white guy hasnt been involved with a dog fighting scheme (at least he hasnt been caught). these are the same people who think barry bonds got a bad press because hes black. i tend to disagree. mark mcgwire admitted to using steroids and sammy sosa got caught with a corked bat. the reason people dont like barry has less to do with him being black and more to do with the fact that hes an asshole. mikes treatment has more to do with the fact that a majority of professional athletes are black. i do remember a black former athlete who sawed a womans head off and got away with it.

what have we learned? its not a good time to be mike vick? dogs are for petting not fighting? your friends will throw you under a bus to save their own skin? all of the above? yes to all of those and good luck mike. just imagine how good that penitentarys football team is going to be.