I can only hope........

Tenth Circle Added To Rapidly Growing Hell

CITY OF DIS, NETHER HELL–After nearly four years of construction at an estimated cost of 750 million souls, Corpadverticus, the new 10th circle of Hell, finally opened its doors Monday.
The Blockbuster Video-sponsored circle, located in Nether Hell between the former eighth and ninth levels of Malebolge and Cocytus, is expected to greatly alleviate the overcrowding problems that have plagued the infernal underworld in recent years. The circle is the first added to Hell in its countless-millennia history.
"A nightmarishly large glut of condemned spirits in recent years necessitated the expansion of Hell," inferno spokesperson Antedeus said. "The traditional nine-tiered system had grown insufficient to accommodate the exponentially rising numbers of Hellbound."
Adding to the need for expansion, Antedeus said, was the fact that a majority of the new arrivals possessed souls far more evil than the original nine circles were equipped to handle. "Demographers, advertising executives, tobacco lobbyists, monopoly-law experts retained by major corporations, and creators of office-based sitcoms–these new arrivals represent a wave of spiritual decay and horror the likes of which Hell has never before seen," Antedeus said.
Despite the need for expansion, the plan faced considerable resistance, largely due to the considerable costs of insuring construction projects within the Kingdom Of Lies. Opposition also came from Hell purists concerned about the detrimental effect a tenth level would have on the intricate numerology of Hell's meticulously arranged allegorical structure. In 1994, however, funding was finally secured in a deal brokered between Blockbuster CEO Wayne Huizenga and Satan himself.
Prior to the construction of the tenth circle, many among the new wave of sinners had been placed in such circles as Hoarders and Squanderers, Sowers of Discord, Flatterers and Seducers, Violent Against Art, and Hypocrites. Hell authorities, however, say that the new level, the Circle of Total Bastards, located at the site of the former Well of Giants just above the Frozen Lake at Hell's center, better suits their insidious brand of evil.
Frigax The Vile, a leading demonic presence, is one of the most vocal supporters of the new circle.
"In the past, the underworld was ill-equipped to handle the new breed of sinners flooding our gates–downsizing CEOs, focus-group coordinators, telemarketing sales representatives, and vast hordes of pony-tailed entertainment-industry executives rollerblading and talking on miniaturized cell-phones at the same time. But now, we've finally got the sort of top-notch Pits of Doom necessary to give such repellent abominations the quality boilings they deserve."
Pausing to tear off the limbs of an Access Hollywood host, Frigax added, "We're all tremendously excited about the many brand-new forms of torture and eternal pain this new level's state-of-the-art facilities will make possible."
Among the tortures the Corpadverticus Circle of Total Bastards boasts: the Never-Ending Drive-Thru Bank, the Bottomless Pit of Promotional Tie-In Keychains, and the dreaded Chamber of Emotionally Manipulative Home Shopping Network Products.
The Circle also features a Hall of Aerobics, where condemned TV-exercise-show personalities, clad in skin-tight Spandex outfits soaked in flesh-dissolving acid, are forced to exercise for centuries on end, covered in vomit and prodded with the distended ribs of skeletal, anorexic demons, accompanied by an unending, ear-splittingly loud dance-remix version of the 1988 Rick Astley hit "Together Forever."
In a nearby area, corporate raiders are forced to carry the golf clubs of uneducated Hispanic migrant workers from hole to hole for eternity, withering under a constant barrage of verbal abuse from their former subservients as crows descend from trees to peck at their eyes. In one of the deepest and most profane portions of the circle, unspeakable acts are said to be committed with a mail-order Roly-Kit.
"In life, I was a Salomon Brothers investment banker," one flame-blackened shade told reporters. "When I arrived here, they didn't know what to do with me. They put me in with those condemned to walk backwards with their heads turned all the way around on their necks, for the crime of attempting to see the future. But then I sent a couple of fruit baskets to the right people, and in no time flat, I secured a cushy spot for myself in the first circle of the Virtuous Unbaptized. Now that was a sweet deal. But before long, they caught on to my game and transferred me here to the realm of Total Bastards. I've been shrieking for mercy like a goddamn woman ever since."
His face contorted in the Misery of the Damned, a Disney lawyer said: "It's hell here–there are no executive lounges, I can't get any decent risotto, and the suit I have to wear is a cheap Brooks Brothers knock-off. I'm beeped every 30 seconds, and there's no way to return the calls. Plus, I'm being boiled upside down in lard while jackals gnaw at the soles of my feet. If I could just reach the fax machine on that nearby rock, I could contact some well-placed associates and work something out, but it's just out of my grasp, and it's out of ink and constantly blinking the message, 'Replace Toner Cartridge, Replace Toner Cartridge, Replace Toner Cartridge.'"
He then resumed screaming in agony.
Grogar The Malefic, a Captain in Hell's elite Demon Corps and supervisor in charge of admissions for the new circle, said Hell's future looks bright, thanks to the new circle.
"Things are definitely looking up," Grogar said. "We're now far better equipped, and we're ready to take on the most Unholy Atrocities humanity has to offer."
"We're really on the grow down here," Grogar added. "This is an exciting time to be in Hell."

i love the onion and this is a great piece from there.....

this is shoes, over and out.......

Censorship gone wild..........

if you havent heard of opie and anthony ......dont fret. your one of many. they are a couple of sydicated shock jocks from nyc and are on free fm and xm sattelite radio in the mornings. think of them as howard stern light. of course the show on xm is a little racier than the one on free fm because the fcc doesnt control the sattelite radio airwaves....and they shouldnt. its just like cable tv. if i pay for it i should be able to see whatever i want. that was until this week.......

May 16, 2007 -- SHOCK jocks Opie & Anthony were suspended - with pay - from XM satellite radio yesterday for 30 days in a new wrinkle on the Condoleezza Rice "rape" controversy.
XM officials yanked the pair claiming the shock jocks had not taken the incident seriously. Last Friday, Hughes and Cumia apologized for their comments from last Wednesday's show during which a guest named "Homeless Charlie" told the deejays he wanted to have rough sex with Rice and First Lady Laura Bush.

is what was said horrible? yes, if it wasnt a comedy show but it is so it should be taken for what it was.....a bit. think their job is easy? you try entertaining people for 5 hours a day 5 days a week and see how easy it is. Opie & Anthony make a good point that radio doesnt have any parameters on content. wouldnt we take it differently to hear chris rock drop an n-bomb as opposed to mike wallace on 60 minutes? we should. ones a serious news show and the other is a comedy. we should handle whats said on family guy differently than if the same thing was said on the nightly news but alas radio is different. everyone is held to the same standards. its regoddamndiculous.

i'll bet this wouldnt have been a big deal if the guy refered to ......lets say......lindsay lohan and paris hilton instead of condy rice and laura bush. do you think xm did this with an eye toward their impending meger with sirius? isnt this why you pay for satelite radio so you can get it without censorship. this wasnt an fcc thing this was done strictly by xm. one school of thought is that xm is going to let them go to cut costs. xm has the most subscribers but they are losing ground to sirius rapidly. sirius has stern so they dont need opie and anthony and this is a good way for xm to purge some salary. regardless this is another stupid case of censorship. every radio has a control for just such things....its called an on/off switch.

this is shoes....over and out........

Ding dong the witch is dead......

i really dont like to go after people who died (hell i didnt slam anna nichole) but there are just some people who i havent liked forever and i just cant be nice.

so enters jerry falwell. there may never be a man in history who has done more to hurt this country than him. he founded the moral majority ,which in retrospect should have been called the immoral minority, and bullied lawmakers into running like scared puppies instead of standing up to schmuck. "I shudder to think where the country would be right now if the religious right had not evolved," he said when he stepped down as Moral Majority president in 1987. yes, a country full of compassion and understanding would be a terrible thing. The 1980s marked the religious conservative movement's high-water mark. In more recent years, Falwell had become a problematic figure for the GOP. His remarks a few days after Sept. 11, 2001, essentially blaming feminists, gays and liberals for bringing on the terrorist attacks drew a rebuke from the White House, and he apologized.Falwell had once opposed mixing preaching with politics, but changed his views. The Moral Majority grew to 6.5 million members and raised $69 million as it supported conservative politicians and railed against abortion, homosexuality, pornography and bans on school prayer. i'm sure the money and power were what changed his mind.....god was an afterthought. In 1999, he told an evangelical conference that the Antichrist was a male Jew who was probably already alive. Falwell later apologized for the remark but not for holding the belief. A month later, his National Liberty Journal warned parents that Tinky Winky, the children's TV character, was a gay role model and morally damaging to children proving that he was just good at stirring up the pot. if he didnt like being a lightning rod than he shouldnt have said ridiculous things. With Falwell's high profile came frequent criticism, even from fellow ministers. The Rev. Billy Graham once rebuked him for political sermonizing on "non-moral issues". this goes back to my thoughts that churches should be taxed.

"Dr. Falwell was a man of distinguished accomplishment who devoted his life to serving his faith and country," said Sen. John McCain, a GOP presidential contender who during the 2000 primaries referred to Falwell and Robertson as "agents of intolerance." McCain has since distanced himself from those comments. i guess that makes mccain a flip flopper doesnt it. it just shows what some politicians will do for a vote.

Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney, a Mormon whose own faith has become an issue during his run for the presidency, said Falwell "built and led a movement based on strong principles and strong faith," and "the legacy of his important work will continue through his many ministries where he put his faith into action." romney is another asshole politician who sucks up to get votes. hey mitt, he didnt like your religion...you were competition.

Matt Foreman, executive director of National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, extended condolences to those close to Falwell, but added: "Unfortunately, we will always remember him as a founder and leader of America's anti-gay industry, someone who exacerbated the nation's appalling response to the onslaught of the AIDS epidemic, someone who demonized and vilified us for political gain and someone who used religion to divide rather than unite our nation." like him or not matt foreman is a gentleman. much more than i am but hes right on the money with what hes said. falwell stood on his soap box and in a very christian-like manor (but in reality totally against everything jesus stood for) put down everyone who wasnt exactly like him. if you were brown, gay, foreign, from another religion....then you were the enemy...unless you were giving him money. to steal a line from a movie ...jerry falwell had no answers, he was good at telling you what was wrong and who was to blame, but thats all.

well heres a toast to jerry falwell. i hope that if there really is a hell of which you spoke then i hope there is a very special room there for you.

this is shoes ....over and out......

Love is in the air.......

Phys-Ed Teacher Accused Of Sexual Assault Of Student

Teacher makes deal over affair with boy

School staff accused of giving booze to students

Naked teacher pics sent to students

Teacher Busted for Alleged Sex With Student

HS softball coach arrested for sexual battery of a minor

these are some of the headlines that i've seen on the internet in the last two weeks. some are male teachers and some are women. some of the students are male and some are female. it seems like an epidemic. i guess i was just born at the wrong time. none of my teachers wanted to have sex with me. i cant think of any i wanted to have sex with anyway. i just know that if i was tapping a hot young teacher i wouldnt have told anyone....ever. that would have been my little secret for all of my school years. i would still speak fondly of the women to this day but alas i wasnt good enough. being a scrawny , ugly kid didnt help me any either.

go check out some of these stories...the teachers are hot. just giving you a little something to think about over the weekend.

this is shoes.......over and out........

Foot in mouth disease......

seems like everyones favorite jerkoff, al sharpton, put his foot in his mouth...again. hes debating an atheist and when asked about mitt romney running for president al said something to the effect of "the christians who really believe in god will see that he doesnt become president". i'm sure thats not an exact quote but it gets his point across.
now there are many problems here...
1. a debate with an atheist? who wins here? i imagine neither one. i would love to see that debate. i love when people argue about a belief. make no mistake....religion, any religion, is a belief. show me something signed by god. please, dont bring up the bible, it was written by man. god wasnt using them like a steno pool.
2. one religious guy badmouthing another religious guy. this was done in the truest christian sense. its " my religion is right and your wrong if you dont agree". if god did show up what would he have to say about this.
3. a preacher (supposedly) badmouthing another religion. see above

in a typical al sharpton move he blamed romneys people for reading it the wrong way. i guess the mormons didnt understand that his implying that they didnt believe in god was meant in the nicest christian sense. now lets make no mistake...the mormon religion is ridiculous but no more than any other. ok, so its the only religion that makes scientology seem plausible but when compared to christianity its no more crazy.

this does take me back to my belief that all religions should be taxed. organized religion is moving right into politics and if anyone thinks thats a great idea then just look at any country that is run by a religious leader.......oh, lets just pick......iran. its pay to play kids. you want into politics then pay up just like everyone else.

some people have said that al sharpton should be run out of town like imus. see the problem here is that imus had a job...sharpton doesnt (at least he doesnt if you dont count extortion). what are you going to get al sharpton fired from? being a loudmouth? as long as credence is given to him them networks will use him for sound bites. romney should have just come out and said that they consider the source and al's proven that he just spouts off for attention.

ok kids back to work. this is shoes...over and out......

Utah, do we really need it.....

utah is such a weird little state. what have they given us? mormons (great the religion that makes scientology seem plausible), the osmonds (the jacksons without rhythm)...etc. we really dont need them do we?
they do have some ideas for the country though. they seem to know just what the problems facing our country are and exactly who to blame. According to The Salt Lake Tribune, Utah County District 65 Chairman Don Larsen has submitted a formal resolution to oppose the devil’s plan to destroy the country -- to be discussed this weekend at the Utah County Republican Convention.
thats right kids if you really want to blame someone for trying to destroy the United States, point the finger at… Satan? And Satan’s apparent weapon of choice: Allowing illegal immigrants to cross the border.
i knew that my dislike of mexicans was well founded. i reemeber that from the bible where it is written "and god spake unto moses and said, "keep the darkies out", and moses then carried the message unto the people". dont press me for what book thats in i just remember the passage.
as don likes to put it....“In order for Satan to establish his ‘New World Order’ and destroy the freedom of all people as predicted in the scriptures, he must first destroy the U.S.,” Larsen’s resolution states. “[It is] insidious for its stealth and innocuousness.”Larsen’s proposal to defeat Satan? Close the borders to illegal immigrants to “prevent the destruction of the U.S. by stealth invasion.”
lets make all of america as lilly white as utah. lets all just put on our bobby socks and play our pat boone albums while standing around deciding who gets the boot next.

to answer the first question....nobody. lets throw utah out. lets just split up the state among the surrounding states and call it a day. 49 state is ok. if your stuck on the thought of 50 the lets just make puerto rico the 50th. most of them are already in nyc.

ok, back to work kids. this is shoes.....over and out.......

oh really.......

the price of a college education is really going up. i guess one way parents can cope with that is frivoluos lawsuits to earn money. with that in mind i take you to a hotbed of forward thinking that is Bentonville, Ark. a dad there is i seeking $20,000 from the city after his two teenage sons found a book on lesbian sex on a public library bookshelf. He also wants the library director fired because not only is he mad at the problem but hes mad at the cause.
Earl Adams said his 14- and 16-year-old sons were "greatly disturbed" after finding the book, titled "The Whole Lesbian Sex Book." Adams said the book caused "many sleepless nights in our house." no shit earl? many sleepless nights? i imagine hes run through 20k in kleenex and hand lotion.
Adams said the book is "patently offensive and lacks any artistic, literary or scientific value," according to a letter he faxed to Mayor Bob McCaslin. He said the teenagers found it while browsing for material on military academies. what section were they searching in earl? were they looking for lesbian military academies and what do you think your chances are of getting them into an all male military academy now that they have seen the lesbians? i'm guessing not very good.
In an e-mail Thursday, Adams said that "God was speaking to my heart that day and helped me find the words that proved successful in removing this book from the shelf."
He said he would fight any effort to put the book back on shelves.
"Any effort to reinstate the book will be met with legal action and protests from the Christian community," Adams wrote in the e-mail. i guess all the gay things in the bible arent that bad. if this book comes off of the shelves then the bible should have to come off also.

well my advice earl is to just forget about and go fold your kids sheets with a hammer.

well, back to work kids. this is shoes...over and out......

Let the taxing begin.......

heres a story for you.......

The Roman Catholic Church on Sunday called on doctors in Mexico City not to perform abortions and lamented the city's decision to legalize the procedure in the first 12 weeks of pregnancy. The church has vowed to continue its anti-abortion campaign even through it is under investigation for possibly violating Mexican laws forbidding the church's participation in politics.

you know if theres one thing mexico needs its more mexicans. they cant take care of the ones they have now. they are all coming here...but thats no concern of the church. all they care about is having more catholics because even in this third world country these people cant give their money to the church fast enough. no food for your kids? give money to the church and god will take care of you. no money for medicine? give more money to the church and god will heal you. its such a scam. theres really no need to go after the church for getting into the politics game just start taxing them. they own enough property, you could solve alot of problems that way. you want to be involved in politics then ante up like the rest of us. its pay to play guys.

ok, back to work kids. this is shoes...over and out......

Just how stupid can you be.......

when do you admit you made a mistake...but dont tell anyone? if nobody saw it it didnt happen. write it off and move on with your life. nobody likes it when everyone knows you screwed up. thake the japanese for example.......
seems that in japan a poodle goes for big bucks. i'm talking 4k and up. those japanese really like western things and what is more western than a poodle. well it seems thousands of Japanese have been swindled in a scam in which they were sold Australian and British sheep and told they were poodles. thats right kids...sheep. Flocks of sheep were imported to Japan and then sold by a company called Poodles as Pets, marketed as fashionable accessories, available at $1,600 each.
everyone likes a bargain.
now the question is how was this discovered. The scam was uncovered when Japanese moviestar Maiko Kawamaki went on a talk-show and wondered why her new pet would not bark or eat dog food.She was crestfallen when told it was a sheep. ok, anyone can make a mistake. we all know, from our own homegrown movie stars , that they arent rocket scientists (hell, most of them are scientologists). but alas, then hundreds of other women got in touch with police to say they feared their new "poodle" was also a sheep. One couple said they became suspicious when they took their "dog" to have its claws trimmed and were told it had hooves. well, that would give it away.....well, that and the fact that it went baaaaaaa.
can you imagine if this happened here in america. we would be making fun of these people forever. this is comedy at its finest.

well unlike doctors these people can eat their mistakes.

ok, back to work kids. this is shoes...over and out....

My nfl draft coverage.......

as usual it was boring. its so overdone now its scary. with that being said there was nobody who thrilled me this year. the steelers had a really odd draft.....but who am i. with a need for linebackers, defensive linemen and offensive linemen, a fast receiver and a back up running back the steelers got.....a tight end and a punter. we did draft a linebacker in the first round but the experts are really torn over this guy. some say he has infinite upside and others say there is a great possibility to go bust. my opinion: he has a very high ceiling to go along with a very deep floor...we will see. we also drafted a defensive end which we will try to turn into a linebacker. we failed at this before but the steelers are nothing if not persistent.
now to understand the third pick you must know that despite not using the tight end the steelers drafted one in the first round two years ago. a very good one too and we still dont use him. well then this is the perfect time to draft another.
the punter , in the fourth round. ok, we needed a punter..ours sucks but we traded up to get him and gave up a draft choice. we shall see.
we got an unknown d-lineman and an unknown o-lineman in the next two rounds.
finally , in a draft deep in name receivers, we pick up an unknown in the seventh round.

at best this draft get a c grade and thats counting on some things to happen from some unknowns. good luck. the only thing that saves them is that it looks like nobody in the division did anything great. cleveland got a great tackle but paid dearly for what will end up a very average qb.

one last thing. this will prove if bill bellichek is the greatest coach ever or just lucky. he has built a team based on versatility and want to. this is all chemistry and who does he pick up...randy moss. he is a team cancer. he destroys teams and coaches wherever he roams. i know what your saying..he was in oakland and they didnt stand a chance to win so he wasnt motivated. i'm not buying it. if they dance into the super bowl on brady to moss touchdowns then you can call me out and i will admit i was wrong....i'm just not ready to admit it yet.

thats it everyone...back to work. this is shoes...over and out....

Priorities? who needs 'em.......

i used to live in philadelphia. it was an ok city. nothing special as far as i was concerned. i had lived in better cities. it was run by a corrupt mayor who is now the corrupt governor of this wonderful state.
seems philly has a bit of a problem. seems people are being killed at a level seen only in baghdad these days. 129 people so far this year if i can believe what i read. sounds like a great place to live. well, the city is finally getting off its ass and doing something. its shutting down all the psychics. wa wa what. i'm sorry, i must have misunderstood, did you say psychics shoes? why yes i did. it seems in this time of crisis someone alerted the city to an obscure state law banning fortune-telling "for gain or lucre".
now i used to refer to philly as "new york light" and i guess they took offense to that and really ramped up their efforts to move ahead of them in something but dont they have bigger fish to fry than the psychics. isnt this something you go after when everything else is going good. in the big picture of crime the psychics rank somewhere between prostitutes and jaywalkers. ok, so sometimes a bad psychic rips off some schmuck for his or hers life savings but they were going to lose that anyway. some asshole was going to call them selling stock or collecting for the police benevolent association or they were going to send it to some poor woman in africa and split her husbands money 30/70. you see what i'm getting at? if you cant solve the problem at least make it look like your doing something...no matter how stupid it may be.

hey it works for our president......


all right kids , back to work. this is shoes..over and out........

Did you miss me........

i've not been posting for awhile. did anything happen......of course it did. the question is where do you start. lets take a fave of mine......don imus.

don imus is a hack dj. he was on top in nyc for awhile but then howard stern showed up and knocked him off the top. hes now like 18th in the market (or was) and really irrelevant. his show on msnbc was unwatchable (as are all radio shows that have been put on tv) and hes unlistenable. he spews the right wing crap and brings on people to further his aganda. thats a little history...
now lets go back two weeks. hes doing another boring show. in his defense, he has to fill 4 hours a day with talk. i know that some of you can talk but give that a try sometime. just talk for 4 hours straight...its not easy. he spews out one of his typical throw away lines but this time it goes awry. he refers to the rutgers womens basketball team as a bunch of "nappy headed ho's". most of the time this would go unnoticed due to the lack of listeners but this day was different. al sharpton and jesse jaskson (two of the biggest racists and liars ever) get involved and just like that a 30+ year career goes down the tubes.
now dont get me wrong...i'm no imus fan but i do think he should have the right to say what he did. he also better have the balls to stand up to the backlash...which he did not. his political friends abandoned him, his advertisers left him in a lurch, the company that employed him folded faster than superman on laundry day. oh well imus, i guess you werent as popular as you thought.

*did imus have the right to say that? yes. there are much worse things said daily on the airwaves. i just heard a clip of rush limbaugh playing a song called "obama , the magic negro". why arent they going after him.
*did sharpton, jackson and the rest have the right to go afer him? yes. sure if you dont like whats being said then you have the right to protest.
*was what he said wrong? seriously ...yes , jokingly...no. at best it was just plain stupid. he said it without thinking which goes back to my statement about how hard it is to fill four hours a day. on the other hand if you saw a picture of the team it wasnt that inaccurate of a statement. someone did say the the team picture of the rutgers womens team looked like a team picture of the toronto raptors.
*should his friends, advertisers and station left him hang out to dry? no. if the numbers are to be believed he made them a ton of cash. he gave them air time and ratings.
*should he have been fired? absolutely not but it is the right of the employer. it just shows extreme cowardice by the employer.
*should he have met with the team. no. especially after he had been fired. i would have blown that meeting off so fast their nappy heads would have spun. lets be honest, i think the governor got into an accident on purpose to get out of that meeting.


political correctness might be the right thing but its sure taking alot of the fun out of america. maybe we should all get a thicker skin and learn to laugh at ourselves without gettting our panties in a bunch.

this is shoes.....over and out........

The circus of heaven.......

let me give you some pittsburgh facts. pittsburgh is an old market. we have an older demographic in this county than any county in the country with the exception of dade county in florida (dade county being the worlds largest outdoor mortuary). we also are something like the fourth largest catholic diocese in the country. i guess those facts go hand in hand. old people are scared of dying so the pray to an imaginary man in the sky. ok, i'm cool with that. whatever allows you to sleep through the night is fine (i , myself, prefer guiness). the problem is that those people rarely allow you to go about your life without worrying about the imaginary guy in the sky. they so want to impose their beliefs on all of us....regardless of if we want them or not. this is where religion and i butt heads. pray to whoever you want just keep that shit at your home. stay out of the schools , workplace.....etc. you see what i'm saying.

this goes to my story for today. duquesne university is holding a conference today called "a meeting of catholic men". notice that it doesnt say "christian men" or "religious men" no, its just for the catholics. good for them. i was riding by the university on my way to work when i saw the freak show. there are cops there..naturally...along with the circus. heres are some things i saw......
1. an old lady holding a sign board that is 6' high by 3' wide. that in and of itself isnt odd but whats on the board is. a giant picture of an aborted fetus. oh, its bloody and graphic alright perfect for the family riding by with children. i'm guessing she is on the anti side of that arguement.
2. a man who looked to be in his sixties carrying a sign. whats so odd about that you ask? the sign says ..and i quote "real women wear dresses and babushkas". for those of you who are not polish a babushka is a scarf you wear on your head. only satan would want a woman running around in slacks and teasing men with their...dare i say.....hair. you wonder how that rule started? i'm guessing men started it because it was easier to rape women in dresses. just my guess there. but only at a mens conference could a man get away with carrying that sign.
3. anoth sixty year old man with a 10' high cross with a sign on it that stated that real catholics reject the vatican 2 mass. hey that asshole was forced to learn latin and hes going to goddamn well get some use out of it.
4. a man holding a placard that read "catholic men stop abortions". you get the feeling that catholics are really against abortion dont you. its funny that someone who cant give birth is concerned about what another person is doing with their own body. judging them if you will. as a woman said to me "when you can birth them, then you get a say in it".
and to top it all off
5. a guy in a motorized wheelchair with a headband that has a pointer attached to it.

the only thing missing is a big top, some elephants and a ringleader. the clowns are already there. it is true that men go crazy in congregations. this is not something that is strictly catholic by the way. its true of any organized religion. any time someone thinks their god is the right one and yours isnt...well...its ripe for trouble (hence the reason the cops were there). at least the promise keepers allowed anyone to come to their rallies who had recieved a bible at their AA meeting.

i so wanted to stop and ask these people some questions. i wanted to ask the old lady if she had the abortion pictures in wallet size. or one suitable for framing. or if it was a warhol (he being from pittsburgh). i wanted to ask the old guy if it would be acceptable for women to wear slacks if they pulled them up around their nipples like he was doing. i wanted to get a full size picture of the guy with the anti- abortion placard and stand right next to him with an arrow pointing at him and a a caption that read " look at this guy. think about your decision". a wanted to ask the wheelchair guy for a ride. actually when you look around at these people they are like a commercial for the pro-abortion lobby.

the reality is that i wouldnt go to this conference if the super glued my testicles to a cannon ball and shot it through the door of the auditorium. i will believe in my god and what that is is none of your business. rest assured that i will pick a god based solely upon looks. a happy god like buddha plaeses me. a religion that has a guy nailed to a cross as a symbol..does not.

get on with your day. this is shoes...over and out

An amusing anecdote........

a friend of mine was at a party on st patricks day and there was a gentleman from ireland there. no my buddy didnt try to find his pot 'o ' gold. they got into a drunken conversation and he told my buddy this story. the irishman swears he overheard this.....

an irish woman is at an outdoor market full of tourists and gives her child, who is acting up, a good whack. a german tourist approaches her and hilarity ensues.....

german tourist: you know, in germany we dont spank hit our children.

irish woman: well in ireland we dont gas our jews.

touche'. its short , sweet and right to the point. i'd love to hang with that woman with a couple of pints of guiness in her and a soccer game on the tv at the pub. i can only imagine the trouble she could get you into.

Oh the hypocrisy........

A brazen upstate Army chaplain made a British woman his sex toy to "spice" up his boring marriage and threatened to kill her when she wanted to break away, officials said yesterday.
Capt. John Lau, 50, told a military court he took Amanda Tyler into his Fort Drum home, turned her into his "second wife," "married" her in a mock Niagara Falls service, and took her to live with his real wife and family. At his court-martial Thursday, Lau was convicted of adultery and making a threat. But Tyler, 34, described the ordained Southern Baptist minister as a sexual sadist who controlled and terrified her. She charged he even wanted her to work as a prostitute to pay for schooling.
He was sentenced to 14 months in military prison, but under the terms of his plea bargain, he will serve only five months.
Lau was also stripped of his rank and dismissed from the Army, with all pay and allowances forfeited.
Ironically, Lau was featured in the base newspaper last June in an article about the virtues of a marriage retreat arranged by the Army at Lake Placid.
"It is important to help them ease marital issues so they can better focus on the mission," he told The Fort Drum Blizzard.

do as i say not as i do. i believe thats the 14th commandment. its right after #13 dont swim for an hour after eating and #15 always wipe front to back. i'm sure the southeren baptists will be glad to have him back in their fold. wouldnt this guy make a great politcian. he could rail against the sins like adultery and gays while buggering his teen male intern. hes almost a perfect christian. maybe he interpreted jesus as pimping out mary magdalene to pay for schooling. you know you can read alot into those bible verses. maybe we all missed it.

well i have to run. i need to go give some money to the church to bail out some more priests

Women are falling for me left and right......

another woman who cannot get enough of misterpissed is gina. gina is a hot little number with an interesting blog. catch it at www.ginas-big-adventure.blogspot.com. this is a good read on top of her being rather easy on the eyes (if you catch my drift) and who could resist a liberal who lives in the south and hooks you up with the phrase "embace the suck" which is now the phrase of the week.

My plan.......

well its official. more americans have been killed in the war in iraq than were killed on 9-11. thats really a poor analogy but i dont have another so i will go with it. i am proud to say that i was against this war from the beginning. there was never any good evidence against saddam except that he was horrible to most iraqis. if we had gone in to get him for that reason i would have said ok but i knew we were getting smoke blown up our asses. if i wanted smoke blown up my ass i would stay at home with a cigar and a short length of hose.

now the question is how to get out. this isnt going to be pretty. we need to get out without leaving a vacuum there. we need to win over the youth so that they wont blow us up. i know the administration is saying to just stay the course but that only gets more americans killed. i think they lack creativity and thats where someone like me needs to step up. i'm nothing if not creative. heres my plan.....

1. just pack up and leave. apologize profusely while doing so. sure we lose some face and they will have demostrations saying how the beat the imperialist running dogs but i will make this work to our advantage........
2. leave behind a huge amount of pepsi, x-boxes, twinkies, computers and internet hookups. this will take about five years to turn their kids into our kids.....fat and lazy with no inclination to hard work.

nobody blows themself up when they can be jerking off to internet porn. nobody wears a burka on the internet. they dont even make explosive belts to fit fat american kids so after a diet of twinkies and pepsi they wont fit their kids either. this is a perfect plan. no need to use a million dollar bomb to do $30 worth of damage...we can destroy them genetically. this is so black ops its scary. you cant place bombs when your out of breath. nobody wants to train in the desert with high blood pressure.

i have mentioned this plan before but it needs to be brought up again. they muslims would be laughing at us at first but whos laughing when thewir kids cant get up off the couch. the answer is us.

over and out kids....now back to work

Man of the year........

Ricky Lackey has six children on the way.
Don't call them sextuplets - they're each with different women.
When Hamilton County Common Pleas Judge Melba Marsh asked Lackey during sentencing Friday on a charge of attempted theft how many children he had, the 25-year-old said, "None, but I have six on the way."
A stunned Marsh tried to clarify. "Are you marrying a woman with six children?" she asked.
"No, I be concubining," he said.
Prosecutors said Lackey is the expectant father of six children with six different women. The women all are expected to deliver in August, September and October.
Lackey's lawyer, Stephen Wenke, stopped his client from saying more.
Marsh said she wasn't sure how to respond, so she let the issue drop since it wasn't relevant to the proceedings.

ricky, you the man. all we need now is a picture of the six stupidest women on the planet. any bets on him being involved in the lives of those children? him being involved in their welfare? him taking care of them financially? ricky told the court that he is on the cusp of a 2 million dollar record deal. he was in court because he defrauded a bank by placing empty envelopes in the atm and the withdrawing cash on those amounts. this doesnt sound like the actions of a music producer on the cusp of a big record deal. i do hope that if he gets the money he spends some on a vasectomy.

this may be the quote of the year..........A stunned Marsh tried to clarify. "Are you marrying a woman with six children?" she asked.
"No, I be concubining," he said. i be concubining.......i just love it. i may start using that myself.

what a way to start a rainy thursday in the burg.

Another woman ........

yes another woman has read my blog and fallen head over heels in love with me. i cant really blame her. her blog can be found at www.tkwhite.blogspot.com. its a good read and she has pictures of herself too. she isnt mom the minx for nothing. wortht looking for just the pictures.

More stupid people.......

Two Atlanta men survived an attempt to kill themselves Friday by cutting off their arms with a circular saw, according to Atlanta Police Major Lane Hagin.
The men managed to sever three of their arms about six inches above the wrist, he said.
The two men — ages 40 and 41 — left a suicide note with the manager of their Atlanta apartment building saying they were committing suicide because their business had failed and they were recently diagnosed with HIV, Hagin said.

are they getting stupider or am i just hearing about them more. i like that they severed three of their arms. i guess there was no thought about at all about how they were going to get that last arm off. its a bummer of a way to commit suicide. its like crucifying yourself....you can never pound that last nail in. i have never heard of someone trying to kill themselves with a circular saw.

on a sad note richard jenni , the comedian , killed himself this weekend. he shot himself in the face....and lived.....for awhile. he died at the hospital. there are rumors that he had an illness and the pictures i have seen of him look like he might have something. just a rule of thumb...if your going to shoot yourself in the face use a large caliber gun. you want to be done in instantly. you dont want to live with that........ or without your arms.

way to start the week on a high note...but this matches my depression, so tough.

Well this is going to end poorly.......

They were married Sunday, but the honeymoon apparently didn't last too long. A man was arrested by Salt Lake County sheriff's deputies Monday after witnesses said he tried to run over his new bride. The man, 33 and woman, 29, headed to Las Vegas to get married Sunday. On Monday, they apparently got into some kind of argument while driving in Salt Lake County, Salt Lake County Sheriff's Lt. Paul Jaroscak said. About 10:40 a.m., the argument reached the point where both people got out of the car near 6800 South Highland Drive, he said. After they argued some more, the woman started walking away and her new husband got back into his vehicle. But rather than drive off, he drove his car at her, Jaroscak said. The car's front panel on the driver's side bumped the woman, pushing her into the snow, Jaroscak said. Although the man said he didn't intentionally hit her, several witnesses reported otherwise to deputies. He was booked into the Salt Lake County Jail for investigation of aggravated assault. Neither of the pair is a stranger to the jail, having been booked in several times on a variety of charges. She was released from jail just a week ago, Jaroscak said. Her husband, meanwhile, was arrested exactly one month after his latest release from jail. He has been in the Salt Lake County Jail more than 50 times, Jaroscak said, mostly on misdemeanor charges.

nobody saw this coming huh? i dont think we need nostradamus to forsee this happening. you dont need edgar cayce just ask either of their parole officers. these two were more familiar with the jail than that drunk from mayberry. i am going to assume that they had consumated this marriage beforehand and that he wasnt as anxious to get to a hotel room as some newlyweds. i guess its true that once your getting the milk for free you can run the cow over. anyone else get the feeling we will be hearing from this couple again soon? stay tuned.

Leave it to france...........

Exactly 16 years after Los Angeles police officers beating Rodney King were filmed by bystander, George Holliday, the French Constitutional Council has approved a law that criminalises the filming or broadcasting of acts of violence by people other than professional journalists. The law could lead to up to five years in prison and a fine of €75,000 (£51,000) for eyewitnesses who film acts of police violence, or operators of websites publishing the images.
The law, proposed by Minister of the Interior Nicolas Sarkozy, is intended to clamp down on a wide range of public order offences - and is aimed at the practice of ‘happy slapping’ - but is drafted so broadly as to criminalise the activities of citizen journalists unrelated to the perpetrators of violent acts. This, according to Pascal Cohet, a spokesman for French online civil liberties group Odebi, is not accidental but a deliberate decision by the authorities. He is concerned that this law, and others still being debated, will lead to the creation of a parallel judicial system controlling the publication of information on the internet.
The government has also proposed a certification system for websites, blog hosts, mobile-phone operators and internet service providers, identifying them as government-approved sources of information if they adhere to certain rules. Press freedom campaigners, Reporters Without Borders, has warned that such a system could lead to excessive self censorship as organisations worried about losing their certification suppress certain stories.

if the law is aimed at happy slapping then aim better and hit the bullseye. why paint it so broad that it covers everything. you think their government saw an opportunity to get rid of something that has been troubling all governments since people started to own hand held video cameras. do you think our government would love to have banned this before kennedy was shot or rodney king got whooped. dont worry america...you wont fall behind. this right will be taken from you here soon. why not, our rights are disappearing faster and faster every day. i would love to see what the certification for websites is. i'll bet you cant show alot of things.....not just happy slapping.

get back to work

Did i say fourth world..............

what i meant was these countries are fifth world. this story is from one of the more forward thinking muslim countries so imagine what would happen in a strict one........

Saudi Kidnap, Rape Victim Faces Lashing for 'Crime' of Being Alone With Man Not Related to Her
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
A 19-year-old Saudi woman who was kidnapped, beaten and gang raped by seven men who then took photos of their victim and threatened to kill her, was sentenced under the country's Islamic-based law to 90 lashes for the "crime" of being alone with a man not related to her.
The woman is appealing to Saudi King Abdullah to intervene in the controversial case.
"I ask the king to consider me as one of his own daughters and have mercy on me and set me free from the 90 lashes," the woman said in an emotional interview published Monday in the Saudi Gazette.
Lashes are usually spread over several days. About 50 lashes are given at a time.
The woman's ordeal began a year ago when she was blackmailed into meeting a man who threatened to tell her family they were having a relationship outside wedlock, which is illegal in the desert kingdom, according to a report in The Scotsman newspaper.
She met the man at a shopping mall and, after driving off together, the blackmailer's car was stopped by two other cars bearing men wielding knives and meat cleavers.
During the next three hours, the woman was raped 14 times by her seven captors.
One of the men took pictures of her naked with his mobile phone and threatened to blackmail her with them.
Back at home in a town near the eastern city of Qatif, the young woman did not tell her family of her ordeal. Nor did she inform the authorities, fearing the rapist would circulate the pictures of her naked. She also attempted suicide.
Five of the rapists were arrested and given jail terms ranging from 10 months to five years. The prosecutor had asked for the death penalty for the men.
The Saudi justice ministry, however, said rape could not be proved because there were no witnesses and the men had recanted confessions they made during interrogation.
The judges, basing their decision on Islamic law, also decided to sentence the woman and her original blackmailer to lashes for being alone together in his car.

well lets make no mistake that islamic law is for animals. she tried to do the right thing by their standards....she tried suicide, but it didnt take. how can these animals allow this to happen. in this day and age how can it be allowed. these are our friends in the mid-east. the really suprising thing is that this is from fox news. i wonder if they cleared this story with the rnc.

by the way if the religious right controlled this country this would be happening here too. the inquisition could start right back up. how dare those sluts get raped.

well its friday everyone so lets just get through the day and party hard this weekend.

Stupidity in america.......

EAU CLAIRE, Wis. Mar 8, 2007 (AP)— Attempts to do a movie stunt landed one man in the hospital with burned genitals and another facing criminal charges. The men were trying to do a stunt from one of the "Jackass" movies, in which a character lights his genitals on fire.
Jared W. Anderson, 20, suffered serious burns to his hands and genitals, according to the criminal complaint. Randell D. Peterson, 43, who sprayed lighter fluid on Anderson and lit him on fire, was charged with felony battery and first-degree reckless endangerment Tuesday in Eau Claire County Court.
Witnesses told police that Anderson, who was drunk, volunteered to do the stunt Sunday after watching the movie, the complaint said.
According to the complaint:
Anderson pulled down his pants and let Peterson spray him with lighter fluid. When the fire didn't catch, Peterson sprayed more lighter fluid on Anderson, splashing some on his clothing. He tried again to light the fire, catching Anderson's genitals, hands and clothes.
Anderson ran into the bathroom, jumped into the tub and put the flames out. Other guests took him to Luther Hospital, and eventually he was treated at the Regions Hospital Burn Unit in St. Paul, Minn., for second-degree burns.
Anderson told police who were called to the hospital that he didn't want anyone to get in trouble because of the stunt.
Peterson was freed on a $2,000 signature bond. He has a hearing scheduled April 16. If convicted, he faces up to 10 years in prison.

take one average cock add lighter fluid and a flame and hilarity ensues. remember kids, there were ideas before this that were turned down because....and i'm guessing here....they were too crazy. maybe its just my mind but i cant help but wonder what was considered so bad that this seemed like a good idea. heres some of the thoughts that go through my head......

1. look , just lay on your side and put your dick on the driveway and i'll run it over with my pacer

2. cmon, just put it the vice. how bad can it be?

3. dude i said the hammer not the five pound sledge.

4. try this. it looks like it will fit in the hole.

keep in mind that as you read these i actually visualized them. its kind of funny when you think about it. you imagine kids doing something this stupid but a 20 year old. now keep in mind the other guy was 43. maybe men do mature at a later age. the real regret here is that nobody taped it. thats 10 grand that was flushed. i understand the guys at youtube cried when they heard that.

i may just post one incredibly stupid human every day. god knows there are enough of them.

Try these out...........

40 THINGS YOU’D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK:
1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.3. How about never? Is never good for you?4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a damn word you’re saying.10. Ahhhh .. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a damn.14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be?24. Do I look like a people person?25. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.27. Sarcasm is just one service we offer.28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.31. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.33. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?36. Chaos, panic and disorder…my work here is done.37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?40. Oh, I get it…like humor…but different.

sure they have been posted before but i never get tired of seeing these....and i do try to use them when i can.

One thing PC users can do that Mac users can't...

Ever notice how most Mac users are skinny? It's because of all the calories they burn because they can't shut the fuck up about how great their Macs are. What is it about Apple that makes its users unable to shut their mouths? Everywhere I go, there's another asshole with a Mac preaching about how much better Macs are than PCs. They regurgitate lines directly from Apple's marketing campaign, like "it just works." I have the following rebuttals to this argument:
1. If everything on a Mac just works, then why does a website called "Mac fix it" exist, assholes? Here are a few choice topics on macfixitforums.com:
-Login window stuck!-lower caSe "S" key not working!!-Menu bar keeps flashing-I can't drag and drop!
Waaaah, boo hoo! I can't drag and drop! Dumbass. Looks like your Macs aren't perfect after all, which leads me to my second point:
2. Fuck you.
I don't know why Mac users get so defensive when you call them idiots. I mean, Apple is a company that has built its entire user base around the fact that its users can't do simple things like turn their computers on. Hell, most Mac users can't even talk without using their hands, which ranks their intelligence somewhere between a simian and hog shit:

Stupid user base aside, I will never own a Mac. It's not so much that I'm a PC loyalist. I'm not. It's that I'm not stylish enough to own one. Most iPod commercials feature guys with long hair, chicks roller skating, and guys wearing fedoras. I have dandruff, and I buy most of my jeans from a grocery store. I feel like in order to have a Mac, I need to be:
An artist.
In a band.
Unemployed (see above).
After the recent Apple conference, Mac fans were elated. One person was quoted as saying "I've had a Macintosh now for a total of 35 days, and I'm really excited to be part of the Mac community." Part of the Mac community? It's a computer, not a social movement, asshole! I feel like Apple is not just selling computers, they're selling a way of life, and I'm not ready to be that heavily invested in a product.

i took this from the site www.maddox.xmission.com. maddox is a funny guy. dont go here with a thin skin. i guarantee there is something there to offend everyone. it is a good read. i posted this because i do find those commercials annoying. congrats mac users. you cam is built right in. now you can show your naked body to everyone.....easily. and i must say they sure do come in some pretty colors. that being said the world runs on pc's.

this is shoes, over and out.

Stupidest man of the day.......

ORANGEBURG, S.C. - It might have been one of the easiest drug busts in the history of the South Carolina Highway Patrol: A car with 43 pounds of marijuana crashed into a trooper’s cruiser, authorities said.
The easy bust happened after two patrolmen parked their cars in each lane of northbound Interstate 95 near Santee early Sunday morning following a series of wrecks that had tied up traffic, Highway Patrol Capt. Chris Williamson said.
A Chevrolet Malibu going about 70 mph hit one of the cruisers, causing minor injuries to the trooper behind the wheel, Williamson said.

Officers found two large duffel bags in the trunk with 43 pounds of marijuana in plastic bags, worth more than $150,000, Orangeburg County deputy Warren Pendry said.
They also found a few marijuana cigarettes and cocaine, Pendry said.
The 54-year-old driver from Daytona Beach Shores, Fla., was charged with driving under the influence, possession of cocaine and trafficking marijuana, authorities said.

this may be the stupidest drug dealer ever. heres some rules for anyone who is going to mule some pot around the states. slow down. when traveling around with 43 pounds of marijuana in your trunk its probably a good idea to obey the speed limit. actually go just under the speed limit. cops love to search a car. doesnt anyone watch cops on fox. reminds me of one of the steelers running backs cruising through texas with 6 pounds of dope in his car. he gets pulled over for speeding. oh well, your cut. or the dallas cowboy who got caught with something like 68 pounds of dope in a van and then, while awaiting his court date, gets pulled over with 120 pounds of dope in his van. i'm sure he was on his way to a party at michael irvins house. its a wonder he wasnt caught with a half dozen illegal immigrant hookers too.

a special congratulations goes out to scooter libby who will find out what inside secrets really mean in his next home. nothing a guy named bubba likes more than a guy named scooter.

back to work kids its only hump day.

Please shut up..............

ann coulter is a bitch. is there really anyone (no matter what your political beliefs) that disagrees with that. cmon republicans let me here you. really let me ask...if you are a republican do you really think the democrats are out to screw you and that the republicans have your best interests in mind? let me also ask the same of the democrats. do you really think the democrats arent out to screw you? kramer said nigger and we vilified him. the black guy from greys anatomy said fag a couple of times and he was sent to rehab. ann coulter calls john edwards a fag and nobody is alarmed at all. shes a good example of why america is all off track. instead of looking at every politician (republican or democrat) and calling them what they are (liars and criminals) we call them ridiculous things and everyone laughs at the partisanship of it all. instead of everyone looking at this war as a bad move (and i think we all can see that now) for whatever reason your called anti-american if you question it at all. as long as we allow people like ann coulter and others like her to use smoke and mirrors to hide these politicians and split america up we will never get this government on track......no matter whos in charge.

lets not forget that this isnt only a republican thing. bill maher said that he was sorry that the attempt on our vice president failed. though i wholeheartedly agree with bill i cant hammer ann coulter and not say something about bill maher. now its been argued that bill was giving his opinion and ann was just making a slur but we might be cutting it close there.

i guess the bottom line here is that ann coulter is a bitch and i can only hope that if there is another attempt on cheneys life that he uses her as a shield. over and out kids

More stolen material.........

Here's the deal, Britney. I don't blame you. It's not your fault you had terrible parents that pushed you into show business. It's not your fault that we bought all of your shitty music. It's not your fault we kept talking about you and snapping pictures of you even after you stopped making albums. It's really not even your fault that you were a bad mother. I mean, you don't get mad at a retard for dry-humping a watermelon and taking a dump in the middle of Wal-Mart.
This is all on us, the American public. With every abortion of an album that we bought and with every magazine we purchased just because you were slapped on the cover, we helped ensure that you would eventually become the mayor of Crazy Skanksville. This is all our fault, and I would like to apologize on behalf of the entire country.
Having said all of that...PLEASE kill yourself. As I have already clearly stated, you didn't get yourself into this mess. But you're the only one who can get you out of this mess. If you leave us to our own devices, we're just going to keep discussing you for no good reason. Every time you eat a Starburst or paint your toenails a new color, we'll be there to take pictures and turn it into a weeklong gab session.
So, to repeat, PLEASE kill yourself. It's clear that none of us are going to help you. Because the only way we can help you is to leave you alone, and as I'm sure you're already aware, we're incapable of that.
But I'm not asking this of you for your own sake. I'm asking you to do this for the sake of the entire nation. We're slowly being crushed to death under the weight of our own ignorance and stupidity, and it's up to you to save us. I mean, I can't tell you the name of my state's congressman, but I know virtually everything you've done for the past five years. In short, help us help ourselves. The only way you can get us to move on to more important things is to get rid of yourself. Sometimes even that doesn't help, as Anna Nicole's corpse can attest to, but you should at least try.
How you do it is up to you. Hang yourself, jump off a building, take an entire bottle of pills, divorce an ex-football player. I don't care how you do it, just get it done.
And don't mistake this for pity. I'm not trying to say 'Oh, leave the poor girl alone.' Not only do you not deserve pity, it also wouldn't do you any good. If anything, pity would just get you addicted to a different form of attention. Right now you're being barraged with mockery and scorn. And throwing pity into that mix would be like trying to get someone off of heroin by getting them hooked on crack. So don't confuse my request as pity. This is simply a plea for you to do what's best for everyone involved.
And that goes for all of you starlets, not just Britney. Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, the Olsen twins and all the rest. As is the case with Britney, none of you are responsible for this. You're just young, dumb people doing what any young, dumb people would do if they had fame and fortune. When you get right down to it, WE are the problem, but YOU can be the solution. So grab a razor and get to slashing...for a brighter tomorrow.


i stole this fair and square from tshirthell. please check them out at www.tshirthell.com. bring your sense of humor because these shirts may be the most offensive ever. i personally love them.

Annie get your gun.......

daylight savings has moved up three weeks this year. i didnt realize this until a couple of days ago. as i sat around last weekend pondering how this will affect me i couldnt come up with one damn thing. i relaxed but alas i relaxed too early. i should have asked the experts. who are the experts? well the same experts that brought you the y2k scare. you think they crawled away with their tails (tales) between their legs? think again. their baaaaaccckkkkkk.

what are they spewing? just take all of the y2k stories and replace y2k with early daylight savings. chicken little and friends are saying this could be worse than the y2k. seeing that y2k did absolutely nothing anything would be worse. computers and pda's will all go crazy. it will be anarchy. people in the streets, dogs and cats living together....you get it. anything that doesnt get the time from a sattelite isnt worth worrying about. i imagine your alarm clock wont blow up.

i wouldnt panic if i were you. after i bought the plastic and tape for my windows, seven years worth of bottled water, a gun, bars for my doors and windows and a lead suit this doesnt bother me at all.

Thought for the Day.......

" The American Indians found out what happens when you don't control immigration "


i stole this from the scottsdale princess. hope she doesnt mind me looking stealing it from her. i'm sure she stole it fair and square herself. look into my good reads and check out her blog

Regional differences?.........

a couple of weeks ago my son and daughter were being harrassed on the bus. i personally went up to the school and dealt with it. sure, because schools are so screwed up it took me a week to get it taken care of but regardless, its done. to give you an idea of how screwed up they are a boy threw a punch at my son. thanks to a year and a half of karate he caught the boys fist in his hand and pushed him away. the next day two boys got him from behind. he showed great restraint not kicking their asses all over the bus stop in my opinion but the school was going to suspend him for one day because he initiated contact by catching the fist before it hit his face. they relented when i said i would pull both of my children out that day and put them in private school. my kids are geniuses and a city school cannot afford to lose them.

where was i going with this. it seems its handled a little differently in tampa. a mother stormed onto a bus and asked who was the girl who slapped her 9 year old daughter. when a girl raised her hand the mother took her daughters coat and told her to take care of business. this is how animals are raised. apparently the camera has film of the girl beating the other girl with her closed fist. well the school isnt sure what they are going to do with the two young girls ..but the mother was arrested. she was charged with battery, contributing to the deliquency of a minor and trespassing.

the shocking thing is that this is the 15th arrest for the mother since 1996. her record, which includes some juvenile arrests, is peppered with aggravated battery, armed burglary and drug possesion charges. alot of the charges were dropped including one for 3rd degree murder. take some time to soak that in....murder. is this the mom whos door you want to knock on. i think not.

if you wonder how criminals start just watch this little girl. with such a sterling role model shes well on her way to a life of crime. i just hope she makes court tv.

this is shoes...over and out

My newest friend........

just thought that i would turn everyone on to a young lady from dublin ireland (aye and the land of me ancestors). she has fallen hopelessly in love with me (and honestly , i cant blame her). if she were in the states, or better yet i was in ireland, i'm sure she wouldnt be able to keep her hands off of me but alas we are now blog buddies. heres some funny stuff i stole off of her blog and i know she stole from someone else.........

Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways. Have lots of long lie-ins. Wear sturdy socks, learn to grow out of medium underwear and, if you must lie about your age, do it in the other direction. Tell people you're ninety-seven and they'll think you look f*cking great. Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away. Never eat food that comes in a bucket. If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting. Boo joggers. Don't work out, work in. Play the banjo. Sleep with somebody you like. Eat plenty of liquorice Allsorts. Try to live in a place you like. Marry somebody you like. Try to do a job you like. Never turn down an opportunity to shout "F*ck them all!" at the top of your voice. Avoid bigots of all descriptions. Let your own bed become to you what the Pole Star was to sailors of old.....look forward to it. Don't wear tight underwear on aeroplanes. Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes. Clean your teeth and keep the company of people who will tell you when there's spinach on them. Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question. Don't pat animals with sneaky eyes. If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one. Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words. If you write a book, be sure it has exactly seventy-six "f*cks" in it. Avoid giving LSD to guide dogs. Don't be talked into wearing a uniform. Salute nobody. Never run with scissors or other pointy objects. Campaign against blue Smarties. Above all, go to Glasgow at least once in your life and have a roll and square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea coursing over your spice-singed tongue, you'll know what I mean when I say: It's good to be alive."

give her a look at judithsramblings.blogspot.com. i'm sure you'll find something you like.

A follow up to a previous post.....

Only a week into training and Vincent Pastore has left “Dancing with the Stars.” Vincent is leaving because his 60-year-old ass can’t handle it. He said, “When I initially committed to joining ‘Dancing with the Stars,’ I didn’t realize just how physically demanding it would be for me. Unable to put forth my best effort, I felt it appropriate to step aside and give someone else the opportunity. I’d like to thank ABC and the show’s producers for inviting me to participate. I wish my partner, Edyta, and the other dancers the best of luck.”‘

just as well actually, i really didnt want to see that fatone kid give him mouth to mouth on national tv while heather mills mccartney pushes on his chest. i knew his old, fat , overweight ass wouldnt be able to take it. i said that before it started but this guy cant turn down any shitty reality show...no matter what.

Crime and punishment........

this young lady needs to be slapped as hard as a person can swing their arm. no , its not because shes sticking her tongue out (though i'd like to slap her for that). this 14 year old girl was arrested for grand theft auto.......for the fifth time.......in five months. take a little time and absorb that. lets put that in perspective...during this school year she has stolen 5 cars. since october she has stolen 5 cars. let me put this another way....i've only stolen 2 cars in that time. now you get it? thought you might. the authorities say the problem isnt putting them in jail its keeping them there. when do we consider this little bitch an adult and lock her up.

this harkens back to the old days of my childhood when if you did something like this the owner of the car might just grab you and kick the living shit out of you. a good "old fashioned" beat down is just what the doctor (re: psychiatrist) ordered. where are the parents. i'd love to see their take on their lovely young daughter. i remember my buddy getting in trouble when he was 16 and his parents going to court and asking that he be put in a detention center. he was and he calmed down alot after that. ok, he doesnt talk at all and just sits in the corner and shakes but nothing is perfect. i wouldnt mind seeing this girl shaking in a corner...at least she wouldnt be behind the wheel of my car.

she should thank god shes not in iraq where they would just cut off her hands and feet. maybe the muslims are right in this case. and remember as always....please leave you opinion but understand that if it differs from mine i'll label you a kook. over and out kids.

Dancing with the .......

stars. i guess you can call it that but i think even they would admit its a bit of a stretch. these really arent stars. stars wouldnt be caught dead doing this piece of shit. this is like american idol for people who arent even that talented. lets look at the new lineup......

1. laila ali. famous for being muhammed alis daughter. she has fought in what is the equivalent of foxy boxing. an early out.
2. billy ray cyrus. achy breaky heart...need to hear more. another early out
3. clyde drexler. former nba star. will ride the black vote deep into this contest
4. joey fatone. formerly of nsync (he was the untalented and ugly one). should win this contest based on his dance background
5. shandi finnessy. miss usa 2004. might last awhile in this lackluster group
6. leeza gibbons. talk show to dancing? might last awhile (see above)
7. apollo anton ohno. olympic speed skater. bye bye early
8. vincent pastore. big pussy from the sopranos. last time anyone saw him was on the show where people try to lose weight. never turns down a shit show...ever. heart attack and dies in the early rounds
9. paulina porizkova. super model. ric ocasek of the cars wife. is he out of money? this is a suprise. might last but might be voted out early because she is so hot.
10. ian ziering. 90210 has been. middle round out.
and my personal favorite.......
11. heather mills mccartney. of course shes leaving mccartney off her name but lets be honest its her only claim to fame. she has a leg up on the competition in this one ...literally. will get voted out first because she is so widly hated. people hate her so bad that she has a wooden leg and still cant garner any sympathy. i hope she beats the english judge to death with her wooden leg after being voted out.

thats my take. love it or hate it just remember that i dont give a shit about your opinion.

Where else but this country........

yesterday in pakistan 11 people were killed and over 100 injured. "big deal shoes" you say. "this happens there all the time" you say. "whats so special" you ask. i'll tell you what the big deal is. this didnt happen in a war or because someone had on a cross or there was a stampede towards mecca. no, this happened during the celebration of basant. whats the basant festival you ask. well, its not what you think. your probably imagining that its a celebration to lop off the hands of a young boy who stole something or the hanging of a woman who cheated on her husband but no alas its a kite flying festival. most were killed in the usual basant way.....stray bullets, electrocution, falling off of buildings or my personal favorite....sharpened kite strings.
my point here is that this is a fourth world country. that right, you heard me, a fourth world country. they can only aspire to third world status. pakistan makes india look modern. if what i am pointing out offends you (and it probably should) then get over it. if you disagree with my take then show me where i am wrong.... or we can ask the young girl whos going to be stoned because she got raped what she thinks.

thats my challenge to pakistan ....prove me wrong guys.

Hes bbbaaaaacccccckkkkkk........

ok so jesus is back. again. you would think that finding the grave of jesus would be front page material. lets be honest if its true wouldnt this be the most important news in like...ever. actually this isnt new news. the bbc did a report on this in 1996. the didnt find conclusive evidence of it actually being the grave of jesus christ. apparently jesus and joseph are names as common as bob and mike are today. according to the reports the graves are titled jesus son of joseph and mary magdalene. like all good catholics every girl is named mary.

this seems to have catholics in this country in an uproar. wasnt the davinci code enough? how can you compare the davinci code to the bible? one was a book written by a mortal man that has become a best seller and has been turned into a movie and the other ......well......ok, maybe this wasnt such a good comparison but you understand. every good catholic knows that jesus was crucified on good friday and rose from his tomb on easter sunday......where he then saw his shadow and announced six more weeks of winter. i must admit that my work closes on good friday so i have changed that day to great friday. its only fitting to give that praise to the guy that got me a day off of work. sure martin luther king was a good guy but i still have to work his day. the bottom line .......catholics hate things that shake their faith..........like facts. get over this. it is going to blow over before you know it then you can go back to giving your money to hate spewing pedophiles in the church.

over and out everyone. enjoy your tuesday.

Hes healed.........

ted haggard is healed. thats right kids he no longer wants to have sex with men and do drugs. prayer has healed him of this terrible affliction. see ted was a big deal in colorado springs and actually across the u.s. he ran a huge church. he could be seen on tv. he met weekly with our president. he preached vehemently against gays and communists and everything that is destroying america. he wanted to protect you from all these horrible things. the only thing ted couldnt do was to protect himself. see while ted was telling what to avoid and what not to do he was having homosexual sex and doing drugs. when his dealer/lover ratted him out he apologized and went away but alas the lure of big religious money couldnt be snuffed and he is back....kinda.
see ted wants to evangelize and prove that hes cured but it seems he did his job too well. after years of preaching hate and homophobia from the pulpit it seems his old congregation is practising it on him. ouch. the biter, bit. seems his deal with the church is that he stays away from them. the deal even includes him having to leave colorado springs. they dont even want him near the church. gay germs might rub off.

well ted you live by the sword...you die by it too. let me just end with the fact that it couldnt happen to a nicer guy.......and he was spiritually advising our president

happy monday everyone....now back to work

When funny really isnt.......

when i heard that anna nichole smith was taken to the hospital i didnt even read the news story. i just figured it was another publicity stunt. wow , was i wrong. after i read about her dying i began to think about her life. she didnt take the easy road nor did she take the safe one. there was no ending it with a pristine body that never tried anything. that wasnt her. from someone who started in a trailer in texas to ending up as headline news (and incidentally the rosetta stone of comedy for many) she worked her way to the front page. she married that old coot and inherited a bazillion dollars when he croaked then ended up sueing his family and being sued by them. she posed in playbot...alot. her first layout in playboy was outstanding. she may have been (with the exception of the lovely, vivacious and full chested mrs pissed) the sexiest woman i had ever seen. her breasts , even though fake, were magnificent. as fake breasts go they may have been the best set of fakes ever...and credit must be given for getting that job done right. she had her reality show where every sign of trouble was there but nobody would throw in the towel while she was the cash cow. saturday night live did and animation of the smurfs with her as smurfette. smurfette was fat and drugged up and it was one of smigels best. then came trim spa and she slimmed down and looked great again. alas the last year wasnt good for her. she lost her son even as she had another child. the paternity of the new child is up in the air. shew got married to her gold digging lawyer. she got evicted from an island and now shes dead. i suspect your going to see its some kind of overdose. sometmes the fight isnt worth it. she had all the money in the world and still couldnt be happy. did the press hound her to her death...yes.....and no. sure they never let her catch a breath without a picture but she courted alot of that. she is not without blame in this.

so with all that said let me say that i will miss her. she was incredible eye candy along with being god comedy fodder. i hope she gets some rest now.

Astronut...............

slow down everybody. why is everyone pressing nasa about the psycho astronaut. its not their fault that she slipped a cog. lets be honest if every company checked for mental defects then none of us would have a goddamn job. this is really no concern of nasa. it is in the hands of the law. would we take a good look at something like.....oh say.....congress if one gay politician was hitting on the teen interns. ok, maybe that wasnt a good example but you get my drift. nasa (or anybody) cant possibly check for every mental defect that one has. if you could recognize them there wouldnt be so many divorces in this country. in all its years nasa has had one astronaut go off the deep end and the world is in an uproar...half the goddamn cinncinnati bengals are in jail and you hardly hear a peep. for gods sake one of their players was giving alchohol to underage girls in a hotel room. he got three days in jail. how does that work.

relax everyone , you cant stop the psychos from blowing up like a bomb....you can only hope they arent on your porch when they do.

back to work slackers.....its only thursday.

I'm laughing at boston.............

Boston Officials Livid Over Ad Stunt.............

yes this is the headline on my computer. seems the cartoon network wanted to advertise their show called aqua teen hunger force. in their attempt to advertise they placed some lite brites around in about nine different cities. ha ha , you got us, what fun. thats what was being said in all the cities.......except boston. boston went insane and just about shut down the city. it seems the marketing company hired to place these is called Interference Inc. and to say the least they lived up to their name. when you hire a company named interference inc. dont be suprised when they interfere. that seems to be what they do best.
in a half assed apology from the cartoon network phil kent, turner chairman, said We apologize to the citizens of Boston that part of a marketing campaign was mistaken for a public danger,". read between the lines everyone. hes saying they are sorry that the officials in boston overreacted. no other city had a problem.
the city of boston wants everyone involved with the hoax to be strung up by their balls. relax boston ....you went into a panic.......you look foolish. get over it. lets be honest , you've done alot of foolish things. boston is kind of known for it. your mayor is a joke. he wants the fcc to pull the license from the cartoon network. oh well......good times

back to work you bums (especially those from boston who screwed off yesterday for no good reason). you dont want the boys from aqua teen hunger force mad at you.

Barbaro gets a job offer......

harry potter grew up and hes naked in a play called equis about some insane kid who masterbates and then abuses the horses because they have seen him do the big tugoff. the only reason i post this is because it would be a good job for barbaro. stuff him and put him on stage.

at least it would pay for the funeral.

Oh well.......

hey , alot of people have died while i couldnt post but the one that seems to be the most annoying is barbaro. lets not lump barbaro in with saddam (even though we sure could use a guy like him in iraq right now). the horse didnt torture and kill thousands of people. it didnt piss off the president. what the horse did do is piss off me and seeing that its my blog thats the opinion that matters. actually the horse didnt piss me off, the people who are mourning the horse ad nauseum are the ones i loathe. look, i felt bad when it broke a leg but you can blame that on the fact that a two year old horses bones arent strong enough yet to take the pounding those horses are put through. i was glad that they didnt put him down immediately. let it heal. let him frolic in a field and get laid like a sports star should. we didnt put down bo jackson when he came up lame ....we put him out to stud. same for the horse but things went wrong. the horse was in pain and the humane thing to do was put the horse down. its sad...now get over it. dont send cards, dont set up a shrine in your house, dont leave a message on a website to the horse. for christs sake i shouldnt even be posting about it.

heres all you need to know. it was a great horse, it broke a leg, it had to be put down. NEXT.

actually i did leave a message on a website for barbaro....

Dear Barbaro,
we will miss you. You were a fine animal and its a shame what happened to you. See you in my dogs alpo.

Sincerely,
Shoes

back to work kids....your not barabaro.

I'm back................

i'm back you bastards. thats right...you heard me. thank you verizon for keeping me off of the blog for so long. see it goes like this.......
we had a problem with our phone line. we could hear our neighbors conversations and they could hear ours. we didnt even need to dial. just pick up and talk to a neighbor. now since i dont have aparty line and didnt need to speak to mabel down at the general store i called verizon. they said it was probably a problem with the line inside my house and they would charge me to come out. i explained that it never happened before and it would also mean that my lines are connected to the neighbor. she didnt seem impressed by my deduction. she then directed me to go outside to the box on the side of my house, open it up, disconnect the phone line and plug one of my phones in there and see if its still happening. i asked how much they would pay me to do their job then went and did it. same problem. i called them back and they asked if i would try it with a different phone (in the event the first phone was the problem). i refused and requested that they come out to the house. they did and , to nobodys suprise, it was their problem. they fixed it. you would think it would have ended there but.........
alas it did not. on new years eve we left the house to go to dinner. the verizon guy was up on the pole across from our house and yelled that he was fixing our dsl problem. we explained that we didnt have verizon dsl nor did we have a problem. he fixed that. that was the last time we were able to go online. when i called verizon to explain they said they only guarantee their own dsl. even after i explained that we didnt have a problem until their man worked on it but it fell on deaf ears. everyone confirmed that it was verizons problem but being a monopoly they didnt care so we now have verizon fiber optic internet.
i am convinced that this is the way they get people onto their service. oh well, i'm back just the same and trying to organize everything that went on while i was away. this may take a while to catch up but i'll do my best.

back to work everyone. time isnt going to waste itself you know