Thursday, July 07, 2005

My my my my vasectomy (sung to the tune of my sharona)

well the time has come to get snipped. for the betterment of the planet and the collective gene pool i'm getting fixed. so now i must go through the humiliation of this procedure. yesterday i went to the doctor for my consultation. CONSULTATION! i dont need that. i'm 44 with a ten week old. i dont need a consultation......i need fixed. for christs sake even my wife agrees but you must put up with that. he wants to make sure everything is in working order. isnt a ten week old like a signed affidavit from god concerning that? apparently not. after explaining everything to me i have to take my shorts off and get up on the table. hes pulling my junk and yanking on my testicles like michael jackson during a sleepover at the neverland ranch when i just completely lose it. i start laughing like a retard at the zoo. to the point where the doctor stops and asks me whats so funny. how do you explain the funnyness of that. sorry it just struck me as funny. he then start talking about the procedure. "i'll make a small incision here and here".....thats when i stopped him. i had to explain that ,just like my wife , when hes talking about my genitalia the word small should never be used in any manner. words like huge and gigantic are acceptable...but never the word small. we both got a laugh and then he checked my prostate. for you ladies this entails me leaning over the table while he jams his hand up my ass. he pounded my prostate like the bouncer at a turkish bath before announcingh that everything is just dandy and that i can get dressed. i did ask him during that check if he was supposed to have both hands on my shoulders....but he didnt laugh at all. yeah. is it any wonder i drink. i dont know why i like telling my embarrassing stories to you people but i do hope you get a laugh.....i did.

ok now, get out of here. go play in the sprinkler

13 comments:

gabsmash said...

ohhhh...i needed that.

halcyon67 said...

It is too hot to go play in the sprinkler.

Anonymous said...

There is nothing better than a story about an optimistic vasectomy.

x said...

vasectomies are sexy. Yay for you! (Mostly your wife!)

curmudgeon said...

Both hands on the shoulders?
I would have been happy with at least one...

As always... Rachael said...

I don't want to hear any MAN bitching about a prostate exam, having their nuts squeezed, or anything of the sort. When it comes to procedures and tests involved sex organs, you get the long end of the stick, and we get screwed! You're likely to get Vicodin after this procedure! After child-birth we're given an ice-pack and tylenol!

Rant aside, this post was fucking hilarious - as usual! At least there was no sexy nurse in the room... that happened to The Family Man and he was so fixated on "talking himself down" that he didn't even notice the prostate exam!

shoes said...

oh how dare you. have you ever had anyone pull your balls and squeeze them....well......of course you havent so i'll forgive your rash statement. i only wish there was a hot nurse in the room

Assorted Babble by Suzie said...

Like always you have me laughing off my seat. Actually I just posted a little picture of a (big penis looking thing) on my site to write about tomorrow, YOU MAY BE THE ONE! (lol)

Your experience may have been a little more exciting if the doctor would have been a woman, at least she could have did all that with caressing fingertips. You both might have gotten a smile!

ccw said...

Great post!

I'm with Rachael, until you have given birth in a starved, dehydrated state and then handed tylenol afterwards, don't complain about a hand in your ass. Some people like that, you know?

Glad you're getting fixed. Please post about it once you are "neutered". I know your perspective will be one that I can pass along to my husband.

Sam said...

The doctor is supposed to have one hand on your shoulder. The other hand should be available for the reach around.

shoes said...

i'm slightly bothered by everyone being glad that i'm getting fixed. am i so bad that you should be glad i'm not putting anymore entrants into the gene race.

sam, that comment about the reach around.....i'm so....whats the word....proud. you make me proud young lady

libby, are vasectomies really sexy?

x said...

yes, yes they are.

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