Tuesday, February 21, 2006

I hate the flu.......

apparently (if i can believe anything the weather channel has to say) pennsylvania has an overabundance of the flu. i'm willing to ship it all to texas to help them out. they deserve it...i dont. after four days of laying on my back, wracked with cramps the ceased only long enough to allow me to throw up, or the alternative, liquid shoosting out of my ass. as a famous comedian (ok so it larry the cable guy give me a fuckin break) said i could have shit through a screen door and not hit a wire. i've learned a few things during this. first, if you want lose weight this is your ticket. i'm down fifteen pounds in four days. screw you atkins. ok, so its not healthy but beggars cant be choosers. secondly, wendys fries might not be good thing for you even if your healthy. my wife picked me up a burger and fries from there and sixteen hours later i threw up the fries. now the fact that my wonderful body has streamlined the gorging to expelling process like a hundredfold those were the only thing my body said no to. germs...this way to the colon. every fuckin thing else i ate...right this way. wendys fries...hold on now. apparently my colon has some standards but of course it being closing time ...well, you dont have to go home but you cant stay here. my body decided that not being able to admit them the normal way well lets just toss them out the front hatch. third, how can you be freezing cold and sweating at the same time. here i am laying in bed, goosepimples galore. i was colder the barbara bushs' vagina and yet i'm sweating like hitler at the pearly gates while saint pete reviews his transcripts. i was sweating like meat loaf in concert. i didnt just sweat through the sheets, i didnt just sweat through a pillow...i sweat through a mattress. the floor was wet even underneath the bed. fourth, you can tell how sick a man is by his ability to masturbate. women , it has been said, are like the cockpit of a 747. men , on the other hand, are like a simple wooden box with an on/off switch. our two drives in life are to eat and procreate, neither of which we need a woman present to enjoy. here i am, all alone and i had no desire to rub one out. that aint like me...or most men really. thats how my wife knows i'm really sick and consequently when i'm getting well. the last thing is that even though i havent brushed my teeth in four days i relish the fact that each tooth has its own little furry angora sweater that i can lick off and chew up to kill the taste of the burps i am leaving. each burb makes me wretch due to the fact that it smells like a sewer is backing up in my throat.

so i'm sorry that i didnt post for awhile but get over it and be glad your not me last weekend

3 comments:

BAC said...

Glad to hear you are feeling better. I missed you Sunday. Oh by the way, I did get some interesting info from your wife. I was relating your St. Valentine's blog to a select few and your wife showed me your gift to her. It appears to me you hedged your bet on that day and all that talk about baby puke and dirty diapers and gettting laid was smoke blowing.

shoes said...

that ring was earned previously

-according to Hans said...
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