i'm going paul harvey on your asses today. today i'm going to tell you a story about a young man who had the world by the ass and was too stupid to grab a piece. this young man was the star of the 2002 ohio state football team. a freshman who led the team to the national championship. he scored the winning touchdown and the future looked rosy. he went afoul of some of the rules and decided to quit the team before being thrown off of it. he then decided to go into the nfl draft but due to the fact that they had a rule against someone that young being in the nfl he couldnt. he then took the nfl to court but due to the fact that he was one young man and the nfl has f you money he didnt win. he sat out a year in which he was arrested and and had some other troubles. he was so talented that an nfl team took a chance on him on the first day of the draft and even though he knew he was on shaky ground he showed up fat and out of shape and was cut. having some children he needed to support he had to work so he went and got on an indoor football team of some sort. just two nights ago he ran afould of the law once again. after making an illegal u-turn he tried to outrun the cops. he crossed the median and kept going. he the pulled into the parking lot of a store and wouldnt get out of the car. the cops pulled him out and when he became unruly they tasered him. it didnt work due to the fact that he was wearing a bullet proof vest. they then pepper sprayed him and after a struggle cuffed him. he continued to struggle up to and including being put into the paddy wagon. in the automobile was found
a. one half empty bottle of vodka
b. a pistol
c. a semi automatic handgun
d. an assault rifle
e. another assault rifle
f. a hatchet
the police never checked him for drunk driving so bad were the other offences. who is this young man you ask? the answer is maurice claret. this may be the largest case of wasted potential ever. coming to his defense was his coach who said hes seen players do worse. worse? did one of his players have a rocket launcher? how could anyone defend that? believe me there are cases where the cops have made mistakes with people but this aint one of them (before anyone gives me any shit i defend the cops and are thrilled that someone would risk his life to defend us so get off my back already). this loser has used up all his chances. he should be locked up now. if it wasnt for being able to run a good forty time he would be already. you and i would be for sure. and whats up with the hatchet. the assault rifles werent enough. was he afraid he might be attacked by a tree? dude, when your pulling all this shit together to put in the car, after putting on the bullet proof vest and getting four guns just leave the hatchet at home. do you think he passed up other vests to get to the bullet proof one. denim? no. leather? no. hey this kevlar matches my shoes. just for the record any time you leave the house with a bullet proof vest on......the night isnt going to end well. thats just a good rule of thumb. anyone think that the cincinnati bengals are reading the police report and thinking ....wow it took several cops to bring him down. we need someone like that for our goal line offense...and he fits our player profile. i stole those last lines but they are so goddamn funny i had to.
so heres to you maurice. i nominate him as the asshole of the year....until someone better comes along that is.