Dancing with the .......

stars. i guess you can call it that but i think even they would admit its a bit of a stretch. these really arent stars. stars wouldnt be caught dead doing this piece of shit. this is like american idol for people who arent even that talented. lets look at the new lineup......

1. laila ali. famous for being muhammed alis daughter. she has fought in what is the equivalent of foxy boxing. an early out.
2. billy ray cyrus. achy breaky heart...need to hear more. another early out
3. clyde drexler. former nba star. will ride the black vote deep into this contest
4. joey fatone. formerly of nsync (he was the untalented and ugly one). should win this contest based on his dance background
5. shandi finnessy. miss usa 2004. might last awhile in this lackluster group
6. leeza gibbons. talk show to dancing? might last awhile (see above)
7. apollo anton ohno. olympic speed skater. bye bye early
8. vincent pastore. big pussy from the sopranos. last time anyone saw him was on the show where people try to lose weight. never turns down a shit show...ever. heart attack and dies in the early rounds
9. paulina porizkova. super model. ric ocasek of the cars wife. is he out of money? this is a suprise. might last but might be voted out early because she is so hot.
10. ian ziering. 90210 has been. middle round out.
and my personal favorite.......
11. heather mills mccartney. of course shes leaving mccartney off her name but lets be honest its her only claim to fame. she has a leg up on the competition in this one ...literally. will get voted out first because she is so widly hated. people hate her so bad that she has a wooden leg and still cant garner any sympathy. i hope she beats the english judge to death with her wooden leg after being voted out.

thats my take. love it or hate it just remember that i dont give a shit about your opinion.

Where else but this country........

yesterday in pakistan 11 people were killed and over 100 injured. "big deal shoes" you say. "this happens there all the time" you say. "whats so special" you ask. i'll tell you what the big deal is. this didnt happen in a war or because someone had on a cross or there was a stampede towards mecca. no, this happened during the celebration of basant. whats the basant festival you ask. well, its not what you think. your probably imagining that its a celebration to lop off the hands of a young boy who stole something or the hanging of a woman who cheated on her husband but no alas its a kite flying festival. most were killed in the usual basant way.....stray bullets, electrocution, falling off of buildings or my personal favorite....sharpened kite strings.
my point here is that this is a fourth world country. that right, you heard me, a fourth world country. they can only aspire to third world status. pakistan makes india look modern. if what i am pointing out offends you (and it probably should) then get over it. if you disagree with my take then show me where i am wrong.... or we can ask the young girl whos going to be stoned because she got raped what she thinks.

thats my challenge to pakistan ....prove me wrong guys.

Hes bbbaaaaacccccckkkkkk........

ok so jesus is back. again. you would think that finding the grave of jesus would be front page material. lets be honest if its true wouldnt this be the most important news in like...ever. actually this isnt new news. the bbc did a report on this in 1996. the didnt find conclusive evidence of it actually being the grave of jesus christ. apparently jesus and joseph are names as common as bob and mike are today. according to the reports the graves are titled jesus son of joseph and mary magdalene. like all good catholics every girl is named mary.

this seems to have catholics in this country in an uproar. wasnt the davinci code enough? how can you compare the davinci code to the bible? one was a book written by a mortal man that has become a best seller and has been turned into a movie and the other ......well......ok, maybe this wasnt such a good comparison but you understand. every good catholic knows that jesus was crucified on good friday and rose from his tomb on easter sunday......where he then saw his shadow and announced six more weeks of winter. i must admit that my work closes on good friday so i have changed that day to great friday. its only fitting to give that praise to the guy that got me a day off of work. sure martin luther king was a good guy but i still have to work his day. the bottom line .......catholics hate things that shake their faith..........like facts. get over this. it is going to blow over before you know it then you can go back to giving your money to hate spewing pedophiles in the church.

over and out everyone. enjoy your tuesday.

Hes healed.........

ted haggard is healed. thats right kids he no longer wants to have sex with men and do drugs. prayer has healed him of this terrible affliction. see ted was a big deal in colorado springs and actually across the u.s. he ran a huge church. he could be seen on tv. he met weekly with our president. he preached vehemently against gays and communists and everything that is destroying america. he wanted to protect you from all these horrible things. the only thing ted couldnt do was to protect himself. see while ted was telling what to avoid and what not to do he was having homosexual sex and doing drugs. when his dealer/lover ratted him out he apologized and went away but alas the lure of big religious money couldnt be snuffed and he is back....kinda.
see ted wants to evangelize and prove that hes cured but it seems he did his job too well. after years of preaching hate and homophobia from the pulpit it seems his old congregation is practising it on him. ouch. the biter, bit. seems his deal with the church is that he stays away from them. the deal even includes him having to leave colorado springs. they dont even want him near the church. gay germs might rub off.

well ted you live by the sword...you die by it too. let me just end with the fact that it couldnt happen to a nicer guy.......and he was spiritually advising our president

happy monday everyone....now back to work

When funny really isnt.......

when i heard that anna nichole smith was taken to the hospital i didnt even read the news story. i just figured it was another publicity stunt. wow , was i wrong. after i read about her dying i began to think about her life. she didnt take the easy road nor did she take the safe one. there was no ending it with a pristine body that never tried anything. that wasnt her. from someone who started in a trailer in texas to ending up as headline news (and incidentally the rosetta stone of comedy for many) she worked her way to the front page. she married that old coot and inherited a bazillion dollars when he croaked then ended up sueing his family and being sued by them. she posed in playbot...alot. her first layout in playboy was outstanding. she may have been (with the exception of the lovely, vivacious and full chested mrs pissed) the sexiest woman i had ever seen. her breasts , even though fake, were magnificent. as fake breasts go they may have been the best set of fakes ever...and credit must be given for getting that job done right. she had her reality show where every sign of trouble was there but nobody would throw in the towel while she was the cash cow. saturday night live did and animation of the smurfs with her as smurfette. smurfette was fat and drugged up and it was one of smigels best. then came trim spa and she slimmed down and looked great again. alas the last year wasnt good for her. she lost her son even as she had another child. the paternity of the new child is up in the air. shew got married to her gold digging lawyer. she got evicted from an island and now shes dead. i suspect your going to see its some kind of overdose. sometmes the fight isnt worth it. she had all the money in the world and still couldnt be happy. did the press hound her to her death...yes.....and no. sure they never let her catch a breath without a picture but she courted alot of that. she is not without blame in this.

so with all that said let me say that i will miss her. she was incredible eye candy along with being god comedy fodder. i hope she gets some rest now.

Astronut...............

slow down everybody. why is everyone pressing nasa about the psycho astronaut. its not their fault that she slipped a cog. lets be honest if every company checked for mental defects then none of us would have a goddamn job. this is really no concern of nasa. it is in the hands of the law. would we take a good look at something like.....oh say.....congress if one gay politician was hitting on the teen interns. ok, maybe that wasnt a good example but you get my drift. nasa (or anybody) cant possibly check for every mental defect that one has. if you could recognize them there wouldnt be so many divorces in this country. in all its years nasa has had one astronaut go off the deep end and the world is in an uproar...half the goddamn cinncinnati bengals are in jail and you hardly hear a peep. for gods sake one of their players was giving alchohol to underage girls in a hotel room. he got three days in jail. how does that work.

relax everyone , you cant stop the psychos from blowing up like a bomb....you can only hope they arent on your porch when they do.

back to work slackers.....its only thursday.

I'm laughing at boston.............

Boston Officials Livid Over Ad Stunt.............

yes this is the headline on my computer. seems the cartoon network wanted to advertise their show called aqua teen hunger force. in their attempt to advertise they placed some lite brites around in about nine different cities. ha ha , you got us, what fun. thats what was being said in all the cities.......except boston. boston went insane and just about shut down the city. it seems the marketing company hired to place these is called Interference Inc. and to say the least they lived up to their name. when you hire a company named interference inc. dont be suprised when they interfere. that seems to be what they do best.
in a half assed apology from the cartoon network phil kent, turner chairman, said We apologize to the citizens of Boston that part of a marketing campaign was mistaken for a public danger,". read between the lines everyone. hes saying they are sorry that the officials in boston overreacted. no other city had a problem.
the city of boston wants everyone involved with the hoax to be strung up by their balls. relax boston ....you went into a panic.......you look foolish. get over it. lets be honest , you've done alot of foolish things. boston is kind of known for it. your mayor is a joke. he wants the fcc to pull the license from the cartoon network. oh well......good times

back to work you bums (especially those from boston who screwed off yesterday for no good reason). you dont want the boys from aqua teen hunger force mad at you.