Tuesday, February 28, 2006

the fcc, americas conscience......

wow, i guess i didnt realize how wonderful it is to have the fcc looking out for me. without them i might have made a rash decision. i might actually have seen a breast on tv and then who knows where my degradation would end. god forbid that people on tv actually talk like people do out on the street. the fcc is in a bit of a quandry though. the fines keep getting larger but people are still becoming more depraved. what will we do? lets unbundle your cable package. not familiar with this little bit of language? then let me explain. you pay your cable/satelite bill and get to watch the service. within that service you get so many channels. some good...a majority are bad. they are bundled. you have to take some of the bad to get some of the good. its a way to keep advertising rates up. rates are based on how many homes the ad goes into. now we all know that nobody watches bet but when you bundle that with hbo then you can say its into many more homes. get it? the fcc thinks that once you can buy your tv ala carte then good americans wont be getting the violent and sexual tv shoved down their throats. now the reality is is that you wont have the diversity on tv that you have now. some stations will hold up but most will bo bye bye. the station that pisses the religious right off the most will do great. hbo wont be bothered a bit. and since we are allowing people to pick only the ones they want then we should have swearing and nudity on tv. you dont have to pick those staions if you dont like them. the reality is that if that happened then say goodbye to your family oriented stations. i'm not sure if its all bad or all good. i tend to think it will fall somewhere in the middle. people have shown a willingness to pay for whats good. when cable came along everyone said it would fail. that nobody would pay for tv when they can get it for free. well all the good shows are on cable and people paid. cable paved the way for shows like er, nypd blue...etc. everyone said sattelite radio would fail. nobody would pay for what you can get for free. well it a burgeoning industry so far and i only see it moving forward in the future. what do both pay per view tv and sattelite radio have in common? no fcc rules. say what you want and show what you want. its what america wants.

ok back to work. the week is still young.

Monday, February 27, 2006

England swings.................

well dont they have a different idea in england. apparently its against the law to say some ridiculous things there. for example they jailed a man for saying that there were no gas chambers at auschwitz. thats right he challenged the holocaust and was jailed. its an interesting idea but one i dont propose for the us of a (regardless of what the religious right would like). sure it would be fun to toss all the little nazis in jail. thats one group the world could do without but what if the powers that be decide that your opinion isnt good enough for the general public? what if they decide that your group...lets call them the rotary....arent good for public morale? or your religion? regardless of what the current administration thinks the bill of rights is a pretty good thing. amazing what a bunch of uneducated farmers could conjure up over 200 years ago, huh? theres a reason we should put the bill of rights on a pedestal.........its a supreme work of art. genius. and it was all done by men who couldnt get elected now .....no matter what. think about that.

happy f'n monday everyone. i hate the cold.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Barry bonds is quiting......

could it possibly be that barry bonds is going to hang it up. in a perfect world it would be true but alas this is an imperfect world. you know that malingering piece of shit is going to hang on until he gets the record. i guess its rude of me to wish for a debilitating knee injury early in the season. there are many reasons to dislike this piece of shit. first he lies about steroids. he says he never knowingly took them.........liar. look at him when he first came up from the minors and look at him now. its like looking at david banner and then looking at the hulk. thats why hes injured so much these last years. the steroids are causing his body to break down. he blames the media for people not liking him. hey barry, your a prick. its not the medias fault. everyone hates you because your a hateable guy. when he played for the pirates he would not sign a ball that was going to be auctioned off for charity. the pirates had to buy a barry bonds signed ball and have the rest of the team sign it. i wouldnt piss down barry bonds throat if his heart was on fire. hes a deplorable person and always has been. all the scouting reports of him from high school to college to the minors are the same "incredible talent...incredible pain in the ass". barry, heres hoping you never break hank aarons record...hell i hope you dont pass babe ruth....hell, i hope you join babe ruth in death soon.

ok, i've spewed my hate for barry long enough....back to work.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Entertainment weekly, turkey edition......

i know that our muslim friends are up in arms over some cartoons. i personally feel that they are going a little overboard but then again i'm not muslim. my thoughts on this seem to go to the extreme that you cant make fun of anything they seem to hold dear but they can do anything they want. case in point. the turkish have made a feature length film with a ten million dollar budget. the subject of the film you ask? well its about some american soldiers who kill/capture muslims and sell them to an israeli doctor who harvests their organs for the needy jewish folk. ok, so most american films about terrorists show middle eastern men and i guess the americans do fight alot of wars in that area lately so the stereotypes run both ways. lets call that a wash. what shocks me the most is that the movie stars billy zane and gary busey. wow, ten million doesnt get you what it once did. in one scene the americans bust into a wedding and pump a five year old boy full of lead in front of his mother then after killing the groom they haul off the survivors to abu ghraib for the organ harvesting. in another scene the doctor (played by gary busey) is pissed off at the troops for killing so many of the hostages on the way to prison...you cant harvest organs for those blood thirsty jews if the good muslims are dead. can you people even imagine this. no, not the bullshit of the movie but that someone would cast gery busey as a doctor. i'd fire that casting director right now. what a disgrace. i know that the muslims are pissed off at the danish and so the are on a rampage of destroying kfc's all over the mid east.....hey why dont you try destroying something danish. isnt there an ikea anywhere close? or at least a bakery. oh well, i guess i have to do something drastic now. i am calling on a ban of all turkish taffy coming into this country. that should cripple their economy. of course we could blow up all their poppies and destroy the burgeoning heroin industry but then you would have super models that look like kirsty alley...and we cant have that here.

almost the end of the week kids....lets finish it out in style.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Mondays revelations...........

i know, its wednesday. i'm a little slow from the flu. as i layed around monday on my dead tired ass i came to a conclusion and an observation. first the conclusion.

1. daytime tv sucks. no, i dont mean that its a wasteland that will rot your brain, i mean ...it just sucks. theres nothing on to watch at all. the olympics? yeah, i wanted to watch eight hours of curling and luge. i could watch sportcenter again but seeing that i memorized it from the night before it seems pointless. hey i like law and order. its been on for about 100 years but i swear if you took a week and watched tnt for eight hours a day you could see every episode. they run that shit back to back all day long. at least change your station from tnt to lao. another station was running si swimsuit specials all day long. beautiful women in exotic places wearing hardly anything..if that. there is nothing more boring than watching those chicks get photographed (with the exception of the little bio's on each girl). if those chicks arent making out than thats a waste of film as far as i'm concerned.

the observation is a little different. i having not eaten since saturday at about 5pm took some immodium ad on sunday to try and stop the previously mention shoosting from my anus. immodium ad are these little tiny green pills that are supposed to bind you up (not that there was much left in me to bind at that point). my wife, having gone to a party on sunday, brought me home some food from the party. these tiny little creme puffs that were delicious. i powered those down on monday morning. now remember those are the only solid (and they were barely solid) food i've had since saturday at 5pm. at about ten o'clock i had the feeling that it was time to go...if you get my drift. grabbing a book i sat upon my throne and the funniest thing happened. my ass became a hot foam dispenser. i'm not making this up. i swear on my kids a light green foam came out of me. it floated upon the water like little puffy clouds. as poop goes it was quit pleasant looking. it was the most peculiar thing ever. this has never happened to me before. immediately upon flushing i realized that i had the digital camera and i didnt get a picture of that. it was a pleasant dump but not at all satisfying.

ok now back to work. someone has to keep the economy running.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

I hate the flu.......

apparently (if i can believe anything the weather channel has to say) pennsylvania has an overabundance of the flu. i'm willing to ship it all to texas to help them out. they deserve it...i dont. after four days of laying on my back, wracked with cramps the ceased only long enough to allow me to throw up, or the alternative, liquid shoosting out of my ass. as a famous comedian (ok so it larry the cable guy give me a fuckin break) said i could have shit through a screen door and not hit a wire. i've learned a few things during this. first, if you want lose weight this is your ticket. i'm down fifteen pounds in four days. screw you atkins. ok, so its not healthy but beggars cant be choosers. secondly, wendys fries might not be good thing for you even if your healthy. my wife picked me up a burger and fries from there and sixteen hours later i threw up the fries. now the fact that my wonderful body has streamlined the gorging to expelling process like a hundredfold those were the only thing my body said no to. germs...this way to the colon. every fuckin thing else i ate...right this way. wendys fries...hold on now. apparently my colon has some standards but of course it being closing time ...well, you dont have to go home but you cant stay here. my body decided that not being able to admit them the normal way well lets just toss them out the front hatch. third, how can you be freezing cold and sweating at the same time. here i am laying in bed, goosepimples galore. i was colder the barbara bushs' vagina and yet i'm sweating like hitler at the pearly gates while saint pete reviews his transcripts. i was sweating like meat loaf in concert. i didnt just sweat through the sheets, i didnt just sweat through a pillow...i sweat through a mattress. the floor was wet even underneath the bed. fourth, you can tell how sick a man is by his ability to masturbate. women , it has been said, are like the cockpit of a 747. men , on the other hand, are like a simple wooden box with an on/off switch. our two drives in life are to eat and procreate, neither of which we need a woman present to enjoy. here i am, all alone and i had no desire to rub one out. that aint like me...or most men really. thats how my wife knows i'm really sick and consequently when i'm getting well. the last thing is that even though i havent brushed my teeth in four days i relish the fact that each tooth has its own little furry angora sweater that i can lick off and chew up to kill the taste of the burps i am leaving. each burb makes me wretch due to the fact that it smells like a sewer is backing up in my throat.

so i'm sorry that i didnt post for awhile but get over it and be glad your not me last weekend

Thursday, February 16, 2006

My donation went where?...........

ok, so as i read the pittsburgh post gazette (the only paper in this one horse town) i see an add that says the eight ways to tell that jesus is coming soon. of course i'm intrigued so i read on. its really just a some half-assed predictions that people use for everything. you know the type..."many natural disasters will happen" or "people will become morally loose" or "cats and dogs will cohabitate"....you get the drift. i would like to see some ads a little different, for example 8 ways to tell that hell is full (we could use this administration as an example) of "what would jesus do? what wouldnt he do?" those would be good ones. it also occurred to me that i wonder if the people from that religion realize that their money is going to an expensive ad (remember there is only one paper in this cowtown). i do some advertising for my work and i knoiw what the rates are. shouldnt these people be doing something for the good of mankind. shouldnt they use the money to feed the hungry or clothe the poor or heal the sick? isnt that what jesus would do? maybe jesus would run some ads but being the son of the divine creator i would hope that he could spring for a full page ad (he wouldnt sanction a 1/3rd page ad....how embarrassing). maybe he could title it "8 reasons why i'm back" (by the way if he does use that i expect some compensation). so if your ever wondering where your donations are going , check the paper. it might be right there in black and white.

ok so the big question is.....what would jesus do, for a klondike bar? now get to work......he's watching.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

The maclaughlin report..........

at least i think thats what the name of the show is. in pittsburgh its shown on saturday morning. there is one tired old man (who i assume is maclaughlin) and four other dopes with varying opinions who sit around commenting on whats going on in the world today. the only constant is that the old guy cuts everyone off mid sentence...especially if they dont fully agree with him. i dont know what they get paid but i know that about the third time he cut me off i would stand up and punch him in his 800 year old face. yesterdays show had my friend, pat robertson. he is the supreme dope of the group. the topic of muslims and cartoons came up (lets be honest, the muslims on the news are stereotypically cartoonish anyways). one idiot said he wouldnt comment because they couldnt protect him. look, just admit your too stupid to come up with a thought or your too much of a pussy to say what you think. how much protection would an 800 year old man be anyway. pat robertson, on the other hand, had no problem spouting off. in a typically muslim approach he blamed the newspapers. hey comrade, ever hear of freedom of speech, the bill of rights..any of that stuff....nyet? ok pat lets explain it. your right to freedom of speech allows you to say that the leader of venezuela should be assassinated or that god was getting even with the leader of israel by giving him a stroke. in a typically muslim (or should i say religious) approach pat thinks that freedom only pertains to religion. see, he can badmouth anything he wants (including other religions.....he is an expert dont forget) but you cant say anything bad about religion. pat understands that once he allows you to badmouth one religion that you might point out how ridiculous christianity is(along with all the other organized religions) and that the splatter might soil his garments. remember , your not the expert pat is. see in my eyes organized religion is a big steaming pile of shit and once you smash that with a mallet (not unlike gallaghers act) all the religions in the front rows get hit with some excretement. pat dressing as nice as he does with suits bought with your donations doesnt want the extra trip to the dry cleaners.

hump day kids...lets get humpin.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Happy valentines day.........

is there a day on the calendar that strikes more fear into men than this day. some guys start preparing for this the day after xmas. young men everywhere think that this is the key to getting laid. everything has to be just right. you have to do something different than any other guy shes ever been with has done yet it cant be overproduced....it has to seem like you just whipped this up for her. oh, and by the way, everything has tripled in price. roses that are still going to die in less than a week will cost you a weeks pay. the table you like at that resteraunt (you know, the one with the view) well, you better be prepared to tip mighty high to get it....oh, and book it weeks in advance. better have some balloons too...and maybe a teddy bear. now remember that you are going to have to outdo this next year....so keep that in mind. better get a couple of hallmark cards too. and candles. and now you can start praying that its not that time of the month....thats a deal killer. dont drink too much at dinner...nothing kills a mood like a puking girlfriend. i , on the other hand, have been married 16 years. i'll pick up the kids from school and the baby from the sitter. when my wife walks through the door, tired from work, i'll be sitting there in my sweats and t-shirt (baby puke drying in a nice pattern). i'll hand off the baby on my way out the door to take my son to karate class...leaving her to share a romantic meal of mac and cheese with my daughter. i'll have lit a candle but its really just to hide the stench of dirty diapers. its a fun night all around.

so happy valentines young men. remember that after everything you do you probably wont get laid. i, on the other hand, will. now get to work.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Darwins birthday..............

as i glance through the paper i see that some christian churches are going to celebrate darwins birthday. this is supposed to show us just how progressive they are. seems they have this crazy notion that evolution and religion can be viewed together and not counter each other. what it shows me is that the christians dont want it bad enough. you dont see the muslims backing down do you. draw some cartoons, get your head cut off. now those people know how to be zealots. with christians holding what seems to be the political upper hand right now i cant believe they would even give evolution this much of a break. no matter, i still dont trust them. my favorites are the ones that say the world is only 6000 years old or that god put fake bones in the earth to fool the scientists. is it any wonder american children are falling well behind the rest of the world in education. look around the world and it seems that the minute god is fully in a persons brain all thinking stops. actually i may not be giving god enough credit for his sense of humor. hiding bones. what a novel approach to being a deity. i always thought the platypus was his only joke...shows you what i know.

well happy birthday darwin. i'm with you on the whole evolution thing. i hope the rest of you are. now back to work.

Friday, February 10, 2006

A smart man............

i like to think of myself as a smart man. sometimes life affords me the opportunity of seeing how others see me. my son has always wanted to take up karate. having a karate studio a two minute walk from my house, we went up to talk with them. he sat in on a class and still wanted to join....so join he did. after watching him for two classes i joined the adult class myself. i've been in it for about four months now and enjoy it very much. last saturday was a little different. the saturday class is open to everyone. so here am i with a bunch of 7 to 12 year olds working out. they have stamina and are without beer bellies so i'm already at a disadvantage and even though i quit smoking well over a year ago i'm still about 2000 packs ahead of the cute little bastards. the kid who runs the saturday class is about 20, 5-9 140 lbs and solid as a rock. as he puts us through our paces he doesnt sweat.....ever. i, on the other hand, am sweating like madonna at the pearly gates. one of the cute little bastards keeps mentioning that he isnt sweating so the kid running the class ramps up the workout a little more. keep in mind that i'm six times older than some of these kids. so after an hour and a half of a heavy cardio workout he decides that we should spar. the only other guy who showed up is my age, four inches taller than me and eighty pounds heavier. hes a friend of mine from the adult class, lets call him....mike. well i was doing ok against mike. i was smaller and quicker and even though i wasnt crushing him i was landing more shots than him. alot more! then as i was dancing around he caught me with a hook to the ribs. it rocked me. after our match was over i was having some trouble sucking wind. i went and had the ribs looked at and one , maybe two, ribs are cracked. the doctor was very funny. he mentioned how smart i must be to start something like karate at my advanced years. after making some real funny comments about the clicking in my ribs just being the cartilage and that their wasnt anything he could do for my ribs he laughed and wished me well. i need to catch his 10 o'clock show....i wonder if its any different than the 8 o'clock one. when your suffering in pain the last thing you want is a really smart assed doctor. its been a rough week but let me say that even with cracked ribs i made both classes this week and will be going to saturday class.....mike didnt.

ok kids, you got your troubles, i got mine. back to work.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

More muslim cartoons

for your viewing pleasure

Muslims shouldnt dictate policy.......

i have read alot lately about the european newspapers running cartoon of muhammad. some have been for running them and some are against. let me say that i am on the side of running the cartoons. screw the muslims. the dictate policy to other countries. you can keep your women in burkas but not the rest of the world. these muslims are such hypocrits. muslim papers run cartoons about christianity and judaism but thats ok just dont run about their god. well kids whats good for the goose is good for the gander. muslims are appalled about a cartoon but cutting the head off someone isnt a big deal at all. blow yourself up and get 70 virgins....hey your the ones that turned your god into a cartoon. let them boycott businesses from the european countries. i personally am going out to buy something from ikea today. i dont know if thats the right country or not but its as close as i can get. religion should be outlawed not cartoons. al this rampage and murder over a fictional character but of course thats what the inquisition was for. talk about fighting for your country, alot more people have been killed in history over religious disputes than in any war over territorial disputes. so to all you muslims who might possibly see this lousy blog, pound off. we have a little something called freedom here (even though our president is trying to end them), freedom of the press. as thomas jefferson said "our liberty depends on the freedom of the press, and that cannot be limited without being lost".

alright kids i've vented enough about this topic.

Monday, February 06, 2006

From the home of the world champions......

lets go steelers. i musy admit it wasnt a great game from either team. the extra week put some rust on both teams. the officiating was poor but thats been a season long problem. the fans of the seahawks are saying it was a fix and that the refs took the win from them but it doesnt explain some things like......

1. why the seahawks punter put the ball in the endzone five times when he could have pinned the steelers back in their own end. didnt anyone talk to him at all. 50 yard punts with 30 yard nets.

2. why the seahawks tight end was wearing catchers mitts on his hands. tight end..sure his sphincter tightened up. the steelers were in his head all night.

3. why the seahawks qb and coaches wasted so much time at the end of the first half. they let so much time go off of the clock and wasted a timeout while making their kicker try from 54 yards.....which leads me to the next point.

4. nice kicker. lotta leg, no aim. can you say waivers.

the bottom line is the steelers capitalized on their opportunities and the seahawks didnt. the seahawks controlled most of the first half and still went into the locker room losing. contrary to what the talking headds on tv were saying that favored the steelers. the steelers knew tat they had played their worst half of football all year and were still leading. if they came out in the second half and played only half way acceptable (and they did) they would leave detroit as world champs (which they did). this proves that running up gaudy stats against weak opponents during the season wont help you in the big game. you beat up a weak division in a weak conference. the seahawks played washington in the first round, a team that won their first playoff game despite having 124 yards of total offense. let me repeat that 124 yards of total offense. then the seahawks beat up a carolina team without any running backs. might as well of been playing the cardinals.

so seahawk fans quit complaining about the refs. celebrate a season that got you farther than anyone expected.

not enough sleep last night...i'm going to rest.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Christians are stupid too...........

Dear [Retard?],
NBC, fresh from giving us the anti-Christian The Book of Daniel, has decided to hit back at the Christian community by presenting an episode of Will and Grace which mocks the crucifixion of Christ.

On the April 13 edition of NBC's Will and Grace, Britney Spears will appear as a Christian conservative sidekick to Sean Hayes' homosexual character, Jack, who hosts his own talk show.

Jack's fictional network, Out TV, is bought by a Christian TV network, leading to Spears contributing a cooking segment called "Cruci-fixin's." To further denigrate Christianity, NBC chose to air it the night before Good Friday.

Click Here to read the Associated Press article.

NBC does not treat Jews, Muslins or other religions with such disrespect. Yet the network demonstrates a deep of hostility toward followers of Christ.


1. Call your local NBC affiliate and ask them not to air the April 13 episode of Will and Grace. Ask others to call. Click here to find your local NBC station.
2. Click here to send a letter to NBC Chairman Bob Wright. Ask your pastor to run a notice in your church bulletins and newsletters and request members to go to www.afa.net and send the email to NBC Chairman Wright.
3. Click here to print out a petition(pdf) asking your local NBC affiliate not to air the April 13 episode and distribute it to your Sunday School class and fellow church members.

Next, and this is very important, please forward this to your friends and family today!

If you feel our efforts are worthy, would you consider making a small donation to help us in this effort. Click here to make your donation.

Thanks for caring enough to get involved.
Donald E. Wildmon, Founder and Chairman
American Family Association
P.S. Please forward this e-mail message to your family and friends!

the afa is just about 13 housewives that send endless emails at the request of this jackass and then donate money so he can live large. just so everyone knows i called the nbc affiliate in pittsburgh and asked that this episode be played on a continuous loop all day easter sunday with a disclaimer that reads "god is dead".

ok, everybody get back to partying and preparing for the steelers to kick some serious ass in the superbowl.....my prediction steelers 37 - seahawks 21.

Muhammad takes one on the chin......

seems your crazy muslim factions arent scaring people the way they used to. in europe an author complained because he couldnt get any artists to illustrate a book about muhammad under their own names. seems islamic law says you cant draw any depiction of muhammad or they will ....well....you know.....stone you or burn you...whatever. it all started when a danish paper then asked twelve of its artists to draw caricatures of muhammad and then papers all over europe started to carry the pictures. muslims are up in arms over this. a french theologian admonished the papers by saying "one must find the borders between freedom of expression and freedom to protect the sacred. unfortunately, the west has lost its sense of the sacred". well i guess cutting off peoples heads and blowing them up by the hundreds are a much better way of holding on to your sense of what is sacred. one of the pictures shows muhammad as a terrorist with a bomb in his turban. good stuff there. i need to see that. actually i need to post that picture. ok, i did post that picture. good for europe. its the first sign of balls from them in ages. i think everyone needs to stand up to the muslims and tell them to get with the team. i'm very tired of taking shit from a bunch of religious kooks (pay attention santorum). in a related story a pakistani group has put a bounty on the cartoonists head. apparently muhammad hasnt heard of the phrase sticks ands stones.....etc. another crappy religion where their god has infinite wisdom and compassion but wants everyone killed who doesnt agree with him. dont laugh christians, you arent that far behind them. john lennon was right when he imagined a world without religion being a better place.

alright folks move along now...get to work.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

I'm gonna ramble a bit..........

you heard it right. dont look at me that way. i'm gonna freestyle it today. no seet topic.

the super bowl is definitely taking up alot of my resources. this town is going crazy. a woman in pittsburgh has convinced her doctor to induce labor early so that she will be home for the big game. what kind of mother does this? hell, what kind of doctor would allow that? a pittsburgh mother and doctor thats who.

having just got my first tattoo saturday i have a whole new appreciation for people who get their whole bodies done. if someone tells you it doesnt hurt at all they're a liar. it hurt a ton at first. i cant tell if it didnt hurt as much after a while or i just got used to the pain. sick as i am i might just have gotten used to it. now in kansas city a guy was going door to door selling his tattoo service. tamra eason descibed his tool as homemade but still agreed to pay for a tattoo. she wasnt the only one to be a ficking moron that day. all the women that got a tattoo have an infection in the area and have been told to go and get tested for hiv and hepatitis. they should also be advised to go and get lobotomies.

for those of you who enjoy having smoke blown up your ass while being told your a chimney then last night must have given you an erection. the state of the union tied up most tv for the night. as bad as tv normally is its got to be better than watching our president lie right to our faces. i would much rather watch reruns of will and grace than that drivel though someone pointed out an interesting drinking game to me. every time dubya mispronounces a word or uses it wrong you must do a shot. good luck on getting through a speech of his. there would be a run on liver transplants after that.

well i have much to do so its back to work for me..as for you people...eh.....do whatever you want.