Thursday, December 22, 2005

My last work day before xmas.................

i really dont feel like doing anything today. hell, i didnt feel like typing this post. i'm lazy like that. i think i will start drinking after its completion.

in my efforts to not do anything that requires even the least amount of energy....heres todays post. if you are not familiar with you should be. its a great site from which i sometimes (read always) steal some material for this blog from. . he finds bizarre stories from around the globe and reports them. what makes it for me is his little comments regarding each story. if you are a complete smartass (such as myself) you will appreciate these gems.....

Senate blocks arctic drilling in Alaska several years after Hillary Clinton blocked it in the Lincoln Bedroom

Japanese whalers, Greenpeace, currently locked in standoff in remote Southern Ocean. Fortunately one of them thought to bring harpoons

Hundreds of human footprints dating back to the Ice Age found in the Outback, all of whom called ahead for seating

Double-mouthed trout pulled from lake. Four-assed monkey, three-eyed fish still on the loose

Bizarre five-pound chunk of ice falls from the sky in Japan. Bespectacled onlookers take lots of pictures. (maybe my personal favorite)

Study on liberal bias in the media accused of bias. Groups accusing bias study of bias accused of bias

Iran expecting first cloned sheep; international watchdogs look forward to herding it

Judge rules ACLU is "tiresome" and "does not represent a reasonable person" in Kentucky Ten Commandments case

Dick Cheney, a man clearly in touch with the people and not blinded by power and greed, insists that Americans don't mind being spied on by their own government

these are just a small sampling of the gems you can find there. i am off from work until the new year so i may or may not be posting. in case i dont post anymore this year let me wish everyone (including the douche know who you are) a very happy holiday season and a wild new year. everyone be careful. i cant afford to lose any of the six people that visit this pathetic site.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Limbaugh must have been the grinches last name....

rush limbaugh has officially went over the edge. anyone who listens to this asshole and thinks it makes sense is as crazy as he is. on his show limbaugh tied john kerry and the democratic party to the "war" on xmas. first, isnt calling this a war on xmas an insult to our soldiers fighting a real (if misguided) war in iraq. it even pales to the mythical war on drugs. apparently nobody should talk about our government or the war during december because its xmas time. limbaugh said "john kerry is a member of the political party thats trying to get xmas, you know, out of the public consciousness. theres a movement against public displays of xmas. xmas trees gotta go. nativity scenes gotta go. its a bunch of liberals, and most of them are democrats. thery're the ones trying to stamp xmas out. a bunch of secularists and atheists and so forth. what bugs them about it? i'll give you one word: g-o-d". limbaugh is as crazy as they get. i cant believe he didnt blame clinton. hes a shill for the republican party. the funniest part of all of this is that the christians that are up in arms about xmas dont even know where it comes from. xmas was a pagan ritual that was supposed to happen arond the shortest day of the year. they believed that the worst of winter was over and the days would now start getting longer....etc. the christians, after having no luck getting them to stop their pagan rituals, co-opted the holiday and threw christ into it. the xmas tree was used in these rites because it was seen as the hardiest of plants.....get it.....evergreen. it didnt die in the harsh winters and so it was used in the pagan celebration. so as you bemoan the lack of christ in xmas remember your celebrating a pagan holiday.

sorry i didnt post yesterday but my computer had a meltdown. i believe that the republican party in general and george bush in particular had alot to do with that.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Christmas fears.............

ok, so we all dont live in totally disfunctional families.....but most do. a friend of mine catches the brunt of a fair amount of my jokes, so here goes another. we can just refer to this as al's homemade eggnog recipe

1. open bourbon
2. drink bourbon while assembling ingredients
3. realize that you are out of bourbon
4. run to the state store
5. buy two gallons of bourbon and one pint (thats for the ride home)
6. while drinking bourbon try to find punch bowl
7. failing to find punch bowl get the biggest mixing bowl he can find, have some more bourbon
8. after mixing nutmeg, vanilla, sugar and milk proceed to crack eggs open and pour egg white and yolk into the disposal and then mix shells into other ingredients
9. argue with wife
10. pass out
11. wife throws out everything he's done and makes egg nog

i think if you just follow these 11 eaasy steps you'll see that eggnog is a very easy drink to make.

i started my shopping on saturday but my wife and i have alot to do this week and no time to do it. i might be that asshole whos out on xmas eve. do you think a ten year old will get a thrill out of a gift certificate.

we are havin fun now kids......

Friday, December 16, 2005

Another shitty xmas gift.........

star registry.this is the scam where you pay and then they register a star in the name you choose.....and it aint cheap. the gift that says "jesus, i just remembered that i hadnt got you anything" or "i bet she'll think i'm sensitive....and give it up". what a crap gift. do you think any astronomer will ever say "hey i'm looking at jennifer480 right now". hell no. lets be honest if you have to buy a gift to get some, then a hooker would have been cheaper. its for the guy who wouldnt even pony up for tickets to the nutcracker so he can get laid. what a crappy gift. again i will say just give me the money. if i chose to throw it away then thats my choice. this gift makes the harry and david horribly overpriced fruit basket seem good.

has anyone actually finished their shopping yet or are you like me and havent even started. i've been so busy that i havent had a chance to get out yet. hopefully after tonight i will have all the free time i need.

ok, its friday. the office parties should be kicking in real good about now. lets all get drunk and have sex with a co-worker.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

The deaf can have sex?..........

hot off the press from the hearing loss news and reviews is the story of katherine chavez . shes a deaf student at roger revelle college. residential security officers were called to her dorm room when odd noises were heard coming from it. seems she was in the throes of sexual extasty and the sounds coming from the two of them were described by witnesses as cacophonous. the first officer to the scene was frank zipelli. he reported that he "could hear those two all the way from the parking lot. it sounded like they were bludgeoning a cow. there would be a low moan, like a moo, and then a bang and then a higher pitched moo. it was like MOO...BANG...MOOO. all her suite-mates were gatheres around her door, afraid to go in". way to describe it frank. i'm sure this young lady is now on suicide watch. is it any wonder they dont lets beat cops talk. her friends were only slightly kinder. said jamie valencia "we banged on the door for 15 minutes straight. the sound wouldnt stop. they kept getting louder until the floor was shaking. i had a midterm in the morning, i haad to sleep". added julie klein "we thought she had broken a leg or something. the moans and thumping sounded like she kept hitting the wall, but her boyfriend was there too. i thought he might be beating her, but i was afraid to intervene. now i'm torn. am i to be proud that i never did that to a woman or should i be ashamed that i have never made a woman moo like a cow?

it was also on the news that a man waiting 500 lbs was arrested for ripping off fast food establishments. he would order food and then go back and say that there was a hair in (or something wrong ) with his food..and get his money back. after giving this item some thought all i could think of was many times did he do that? for the love of god, he was 500 lbs. maybe he should have been ripping fitness equipment stores or gyms. what a great disguise too. there was a man who pleaded guilty of molesting an underage girl because she could describe his third testicle. third testicle? heres a bit of advice to burgeoning criminals out there. dont commit a crime if you have red hair, weigh 500 lbs or have a third testicle. they are going to remember you. trust me on that one.

one week to xmas eve kids. get shopping the economy needs you.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Hate & intolerance from the pulpit......

jimmy swaggart has got to be the biggest asshole on the earth. no, i take that back, anyone who gives that idiot money is the biggest asshole. if you go to you can see and hear him talking about gays. ok, no big deal, he talks about gays alot....and not in a flattering way. in the clip jimmy is preaching and says that politcians who want two men to get married are horrible. jimmy says that he has never seen a man he wanted to marry. he then goes on to say that if want of them ever looked at him like that "i'd kill him and tell god he died". now i know that the hayseeds that watch that garbage think that is just good logic but cmon jimmy even you cant hide from this. first he would commit a mortal sin by killing and then would lie to god. lie to god! what kind of god is this? wouldnt he see right through that? jimmy swaggart and his kind are a plague on this planet. they appeal only to the scared and stupid among us. he has no answers. all he can tell you is what to be afraid of and whos to blame for it. a world without organized religion would be a much better place.

speaking of making a better place, your friend and mine , rick santorum, is spouting off. hes pitching himself as a moderate instead of the shill he is for the religious right (or anyone who makes a campaign contribution.....accu-weather, i'm looking at you). his numbers are starting to come back a little in pennsylvania but he is still way behind the man running against him (bob casey). this jeerkoff wants to privatize social security, badmouthed working mothers....etc. vote this jackass out. lets get someone in there whos agenda is serving his constituents..... not himself.

fa la la la la la la la la...........

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Those crazy iranians..........

you have to love mahmoud ahmadinejad. dont know him? why hes the delusional president of iran. he is what a trained psychiatrist would refer to as "bat shit crazy". in the spirit of everyone geting along he mentioned that it would be nice if israel was "wiped off the map". ok so hes not lighting the candles on your menorah but theres alot of crazy bastards in the mid east that feel that way. well, our friend has opened his mouth again. Ahmadinejad was quoted by IRNA as saying: "Some European countries insist on saying that Hitler killed millions of innocent Jews in furnaces and they insist on it to the extent that if anyone proves something contrary to that they condemn that person and throw them in jail."
"Although we don't accept this claim, if we suppose it is true, our question for the Europeans is: is the killing of innocent Jewish people by Hitler the reason for their support to the occupiers of Jerusalem?" he said. "If the Europeans are honest they should give some of their provinces in Europe -- like in Germany, Austria or other countries -- to the Zionists and the Zionists can establish their state in Europe. You offer part of Europe and we will support it." ok so you see where this guy is going. is there anyone left who actually thinks the u.s. is bringing peace to that region. Deputy U.S. State Department spokesman Adam Ereli called the remarks "appalling and reprehensible."
"They certainly don't inspire hope among any of us in the international community that the government in Iran is prepared to engage as a responsible member of the community," he said. no shit sherlock? thats a country that needs a spanking. you want a nuclear program...lets show them ours. up close and personal.

along a different line of thinking richard pryor died over the weekend. i remember the first time i had ever heard of him. i was probably around 12 and my brother had snuck one of his albums (yes albums) into our house. it was called "that niggers crazy". well being the sneaky little bastard that i was i put it on the turntable and cranked it up. i was giving no regard to the fact that it was sunday morning and we were all getting ready for church. i'm not sure if my father heard the first fuck or the 100th said in the first minute but he flipped out on me and then my brother in a way that i had never seen before. i remember seeing him on saturday night live. it was the first time they used a delay. he was like nothing i had ever heard before. some people refer to him as profane but to me he was just brutally honest. what did you expect from someone who was raised ina whorehouse? i am going to miss him.

i hope you have all picked out nice gifts for me.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Happy holidays?..........

i ant seem to figure why the holidays are so much more streesful than any other days. everybody seems to be on edge these days. i cant figure it out. sure you have to buy some gifts and probably go to a relatives house that you cant stand butwhy do we get so edgy this time of year. i think i'll chose to blame snow for the anxiety. i hate snow. dont get me wrong when i was little snow was great but i'm not little anymore....and snow sucks. six inches were dumped on the burg on friday. ok i lived with that. shoveled out my parking spaces and sidewalks and then on to other business. yesterday, though, was another thing. i get up, put the news on and await the weather. the liar (weatherman) says just some flurries, maybe an inch. three inches later i'm shoveling again. my street was like a skating rink. a winter wonderland so to speak. now i know everyone says move south but i'm not fond od their weather either. i dont like africa hot in the summer and normally, in the burg, the wind doesnt blow the roofs off of our homes. oh well, i'll get over it. there are worse things in life.

get to work kids. i have some stuff to do.

p.s. how about my steelers. kicked some chicago ass

Friday, December 09, 2005

Loose notes............

this is my 200th post. another milestone passed. what a fitting tribute to my creative longevity and the fact that i dont give a rats ass who reads this blog.

dubya is catching some shit from the religious right because his xmas cards didnt mention christ. they said happy holidays. dubya should go see king kong. theres a lesson there for him. when you cater to a wild beast (the religious right) they remain wild and no matter what you do for them they will come back and bite you. it never seems to be enough for them. you've given the religious right everything they've catered to them, put justices they like on the supreme court...etc and they still come back and badmouth you. there is no give for those people. no live and let live. its their way or the highway. i couldnt be happier that the republicans are getting some crap for this.......they earned it.

i find it hard to believe that its the twenty fifth anniversary of the murder of john lennon. its a shame that a man that campaigned for peace died in such a tragic way. mark chapman should not still be sitting in prison when a perfectly good electric chair is available somewhere. cant find someone to throw the switch? call me. i have some free time.

heres another good rule for life. if an air marshall tells you to stop and lay it. the guy in florida deserved to get shot. i know, a bunch of people will be up in arms and second guess the decision to shoot. i wont be one of them. when you announce you have a bomb and then reach into your backpack....oh well. if you are bothered by the shooting then just imagine that you were standing near him when he reached into the backpack and you didnt know he had a bomb. or imagine your children or grandchildren standing there. see? confusion all gone. now the decision doesnt seem like such a bad thing afterall. i'm glad there were air marshalls there. finally something to do with airport security seemed to work. we thinned the herd...and thats not such a bad thing.

mother nature dropped 6 big ones on the burg last night so i must go shovel.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Lionel is back (not the train)............

you may remember lionel tate......then again you may not. tate was convicted of killing someone when he was 13. the youngest person to be convicted for life. he was 12 when he murdered tiffany eunick who was 6. his lawyers argued that he was just doing some wrestling moves he saw on tv but experts said she died of a fractured skull and a lacreated liver suffered in a beating that went on from 1 to 5 minutes. on appeal his conviction was overturned after they found he didnt know what he was pleading to. he was then sentenced to time served and 10 years of probation. well lionel held up a pizza delivery man with a gun this summer.....proving that the original jury was right on this one. his trial was to begim yeaterday but was postponed because he sent the judge a note threatening suicide. he was placed under "watch" in the county jail. he faces six charges of probation violation. the judge could sentence him to anything from life in prison to no prison time. i hope , if he gets out, that he moves in next door to the judge. seems fair to me. this kid is a proven killer and now a robber. what are we waiting for. put him down like a rabid dog. i know its xmas time so i did send him a xmas package including a belt, some shoelaces, a length of rope, some razor blades and some cyanide. i'm hoping he will do the right thing.

heres hoping lionel spends every xmas behind bars....or worse.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Angelina jolie is what...............

is anyone else tired of seeing angelina? or brad for that matter? when did she become the face of america to the world. granted, its a better face than dubya and she speaks better than he does, but still. every day theres another picture of her dragging brad and those adopted kids all around the globe. shes sitting with her burka on talking with these old women like she can realte to them. yeah right? i guess i do give her credit for adopting (and brown kids, not sitting around buying up white kids) but does she have to be everywhere. is she our representitive to the united nations? shes always there. lets put some perspective on this. he father is jon voight. hes certifiably insane......and he thinks shes kooky. wasnt she running around with a vial of billy bobs blood around her neck not too long ago. and what the hell is wrong with brad? anormal life with aniston wasnt enough? now she has you traipsing through 5th world countries dragging those kids behind her. that must be some powerful pussy. cmon, i love my wife, but if she said we were going to take the kids and run off to india there would be four of us at the airport waving as her plane took off. i dont need to go there. i'll just piss, crap and vomit in a bucket and stick my head in. everyone from india says that cures them of homesickness. and quit with the brangelina crap. why do we have to combine couples names now. it sounds ridiculous. stop it.

ok, get to work or the beautiful people will get you.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Another bloody month............

with the holidays upon us the news that november was one of the bloodiest months for our troops in this war is lousy news. no matter how this administration spins it this war is going downhill quickly. this isnt like afghanistan, which was a needed war to squash terrorism, this was a get even with saddam. the only goal that was achieved was the toppling of saddams government. we havent stopped terrorism (or even put a huge dent in it). we never found the wmd's like we thought we would (please save the shit about finding some barrels in the desert, that wasnt what we went in for). we havent caught osama bin laden. we havent caught most of the guys on the playing cards. we arent loved as liberators in that country. we havent improved our status in the muslim world. what we are doing is sacrificing our young soldiers so that some american companies can profiteer in a war torn country. it would be different if his daughters had to serve over in iraq for a year. our soldiers would be better equipped then but seeing that daddy didnt serve at all (as almost none of the people in this administration did) what chances do we have of seeing a bush family member serve in this war. mission accomplished.....hardly. i agree with rep. murtha (a decorated war veteran). we need to get out. we need a clear and concise plan for leaving. the iraqis need to step up now and take control of their country.

i support our bringing all our soldiers home for next xmas (this xmas is shot already)

Another reason not to be proud of pennsylvania.....

arlen specter is a senator from this great state. hes not a great senator though....hes an idiot. he was part of the warren commision if that explains anything. now lets get some things straight. our country is in turmoil. we have a retard as a president and a war that looks like vietnam part 2. this state is in a bad way too. jobs and the youth are leaving at a rather alarming rate but does that bother arlen? no. seems hes a little pissed off at the eagles. bald eagles you ask. what did those proud animals ever do to arlen? nothing idiots, now pay attention. hes mad at the philadelphia football eagles. seems he thinks they are treating terrel owens (heretofore refered to as t.o.) poorly. he thinks that they are stopping him from working and he might turn them in to the anti-trust committee of the senate. before my head explodes i will try to put this in some logical order.

1. first and foremost stay out of sports arlen. stick to what you know....kickbacks and payoffs (thats different than kickoffs and playoffs). dont you have a country to run.
2. t.o. had a hearing. he lost. hes getting paid they just wont activate him. lots of players dont get activated. most arent just good enough...t.o. is a douche bag. only a politcian would feel bad for someone who makes millions playing a game. i only wish my boss would pay me to stay home.

that seems to cover my thoughts right now. feel free to add your own. politcians shouldnt be involved in sports in any manner be it contracts, steroids...whatever. stick to making bets with other senators from whos state your team might be playing.

another happy monday morning.......enjoy it.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Once a cowboy..........

how did you spend your thanksgiving weekend? with family? eating? watching football? not michael irvin (unless you count the prisoners at the plano texas jail as many former cowboys are in there?). the dumbass gets pulled over on a outstanding warrant for a speeding ticket and to his suprise they found a crack pipe. was it his? he says no. you see its like this (start the music from cops) mike had a friend over for the holidays who just got out of the slammer (his dealer?). he left the pipe at mikes house and when mike found it he wanted to get it out of the house so his kids wouldnt find it (he didnt care about his kids while he was doing crack and blow with hookers while he was a player). he was going to throw it into a trash can somewhere (after using it) but he forgot. oh, and he wont name the friend. hes no rat. its wondered if this will affect his getting into the hall of fame. who the hell knows. it sure didnt affect his play on sundays....he was a hell of a reciever. jimmy johnson sure knew good talent but those cowboys werent the smartest group when it came to drugs. it was one of the linemen who got caught running around in a van with something in the neighborhood of 175 lbs of marijuana and then , while awaiting his drug trial, got caught with a vanload in the neighborhood of 220 lbs....if memory serves me.

tis the season for the cowboys fa la la la la la la la la..........

Thursday, December 01, 2005

When you crossed the line to creepy...........

everyone knows of someone who has just passed over that line. your not cute or caring your just plain creepy. now all of tom cruise's friends know that person. he has just gotten so f'd up this year its scary. he's jumping on couches, impregnating girls he just met, preaching that goofy scientology shit and now hes bought a sonogram machine to keep an eye on the fetus. for what? is he making sure the kid isnt reading anything on the scientology banned book list? anyone whos actually seen a sonogram knows those are unreadable. i have four kids and i've seen my share of those and i still cant make heads or tails of them. is that a testicle or an eye? who the hell knows. i'm convinced that the nurses explaining them to you are just guessing too. those machines run between 150 and 200k. thats alot of scratch to pay for a machine that makes pictures as clear as a rorschak. with all that said i cant even explain how f'd up she is. katy is just as kooky as he is.....maybe more. he found the perfect woman for him. he can just bully her into doing whatever crazy thing he wants...and nobody tells tom cruise no. no matter how wacky his ideas are everyone just nods their heads and tells him how smart he is. this guy didnt even graduate from high school

someone who passed that creepy line years ago has made the news again. seems your friend and mine, michael jackson, might not be the actual father of those two kids hes mean...hauling around. seems the organ donor who he used as a surrogate mother says the man juice came randomly from a sperm bank. no shit! those kids are white....hes not. no amount of bleach will make him look white. he actually looks like an alien who makeup was done by a funeral home. i think we need to confirm this with a dna test and immediately take the kids from his ignorant molesting ass. who would dangle his own kid from a balcony? he would. it isnt his kid. hell , the only way his sperm would get into a surrogate is if the surrogate was a 9 year old boy. please someone free those children.

its beginning to look alot like.........oh , screw it.